How to have gender-affirming sex

Therapists and members of the trans and non-binary community provide insight on how to decentre cisness during sex. 

WORDS BY KATIE BASKERVILLE
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Whether you’re cis, trans, non-conforming or fluid, we all have a lot of heteronormative, cis-centric bullshit to unpack: especially in the bedroom. 

Part of anyone’s journey into queerness is unlearning the sexual shame and binary thinking that categorises so much of the dominant sexual script. From understanding that femmes can strap, to celebrating bottoming, sex can be liberatory and help us delve deeper into our identities.

But when it comes to exploring sex as a trans, non-binary or gender diverse person, physical intimacy can be challenging – especially when cis partners, be they fetishising or exhaustingly earnest, are involved.

If you’re looking for a handy guide to send to cis partners who don’t quite get it, you’ve found just the thing. If you are the cis partner who doesn’t quite get it, well, keep reading…

What do we mean by ‘gender-affirming’ sex?

First, the obvious: everyone has a different experience of sex and erotic sensation. There is no ‘one size fits all’ rule.

How we enjoy sex and intimacy is deeply personal. But some (not all, remember that) trans and gender diverse people might experience some discomfort or gender dysphoria during physical intimacy, particularly when they are touched or addresses in a way which doesn’t honour their gender. 

“During sexual intimacy, there is often a heightened focus on the body,” says Nikki Howes, a trauma-informed, gender, sexuality and relationship diversity therapist. Howes tell Gay Times that, for some trans and non-binary people, sex and intimate touching can draw unwanted or uncomfortable attention to body parts, or sensations, that feel incongruent with their gender identity.

They also add that sexual encounters may come with  gendered assumptions and the risk of misgendering or binary language. “A person may have internalised societal norms about what sex ‘should’ look like, which are often rigid and exclusionary,” they say. “These norms can lead trans or non-binary individuals to feel shame for deviating from conventional expectations. There may also be pressure to perform in gendered ways during sex.”

When we talk about ‘gender-affirming’ sex, we mean sex that feels good: where your partner sees you for who you are, puts in the effort to learn what you like, and doesn’t fall back on irrelevant gendered scripts. Basically, it’s about getting rid of the assumption that cisness is the default and focussing on each individual’s needs and desires away from gendered scripts.

Ready to discover more? Below, a range of therapists, sex educators and members of the community share advice on how to decentre cisness in sex.

"A person may have internalised societal norms about what sex 'should' look like, which are often rigid and exclusionary"

Language Matters

How we refer to our partner’s bodies has a tremendous impact. “Reclaiming the language of sex, pleasure and body parts matters,” Sophie Litherland, a trans woman in her thirties, tells Gay Times. “Yes, sometimes you need to be specific, but having cutesy little nicknames for things helps. One that springs to mind is girlcock,” she says. 

Some people like Litherland might modify existing gendered terms while, on the other hand, some people will opt for gender neutral terms (i.e. front hole or back hole)

Litherland explains how, for her, having someone compliment her breasts and ass can be an immensely gender affirming experience. These types of compliments are known as “relational gendering,” where, during sex, a partner actively sees, names, and affirms someone’s gender expression through touch and words of affirmation.

Howes explains that the feeling of being desired, seen, and celebrated in your gender can offer a deep sense of validation. Using affirming language and engaging in touch that honours someone’s gender expression shifts the experience from being solely about sensation to being gendered in a way that feels right for that person. 

“In her book Trans Sex, Lucie Fielding explores how trans and non-binary people can navigate gender dysphoria during intimacy,” Howes explains. “She emphasises the importance of reclaiming language around gendered or medicalised body parts, encouraging the use of affirming nicknames or terms to support a more positive experience.”

Learn what feels good

Try and forget what society (or free porn) told you about what is supposed to feel good by cis-hetero standards. 

This requires stepping away from expectations and being intentional about where to touch, how to touch and, of course, what not to touch. But before the good part begins, find out what feels good for your partner. 

“Everyone has a very different relationship to their body,” says Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator and creator under the social handle @polyphiliablog. Yau points out that all kinds of people have ways of experiencing pleasure, or specific places that they like to be touched, in ways that may have absolutely nothing to do with gender. People who are not cis don’t need special treatment during sex but, rather, like everyone, deserve to experience respectful curiosity. 

“I think sometimes, people can feel quite alienated if they feel like you’re giving them special treatment, especially with something as vulnerable as intimacy,” says Yau, “By asking questions that you would ask anyone else, that gives room to volunteer what they want to share, especially how it relates to gender.”

Questions you might want to ask your partner, according to Yau, could be as general as, ‘Where do you like to be touched?’, ‘Are there any places I should avoid?’, ‘What brings you pleasure?’

“From experience, these are all good questions that would really help a non-binary person open up and share their idea of intimacy with you,” they say.

"People can feel quite alienated if they feel like you're giving them special treatment, especially with something as vulnerable as intimacy"

Be mindful and lose the assumptions

Rhi Kemp-Davies, a Sex and Relationship Therapist at Sex and Relationship Therapy, explains that having a gender-affirming lover can lead to a greater sense of trust and comfort.

“When a trans or non-binary person has a gender-affirming lover, they tend to feel more comfortable telling this person what they prefer their genitals to be called, and how they want their genitals to be touched,” they explain. 

Pro tip: if you’re unsure of how a partner might want to be touched, or what they might call certain parts of their body, you can always broach the subject via dirty talk. Once you’ve established consent for a text or IRL convo of a spicy nature and you’re in a good flow, say one thing you’d like them to do to you and then ask, oh so sensually, what they want you to do to them.

""Penetrative sex is not the end goal of sex, and it is not the only real form of sex"

‘Normal’ does not exist

Howes explains that challenging cisnormative or heteronormative sexual scripts allows people to prioritise comfort and pleasure over performance. This is something that Yau also feels strongly about.

“Penetrative sex is not the end goal of sex, and it is not the only real form of sex,” they point out.

Decentring genitalia and exploring other forms of connection, such as kink, touch, fantasy or sensory play, can broaden your pleasure horizons and open you up to new erotic sensations. This is otherwise known as “erotic mindfulness”, which describes being present and responsive to sensation, emotion and affirmation in real time.

“Focus on pleasure, not performance,” advises Howes. “Create space for your partner to show up as their full self and be open to using any affirming props or tools they may find helpful. Importantly, take initiative in educating yourself: listen to trans and non-binary voices, read widely, and don’t rely on your partner to teach you everything.”

This is echoed by Litherland, who advises that a good partner will not be a selfish lover. (Good advice). “One of the difficulties I’ve found is that the selfish lovers are only there for their self-gratification. And if that’s the case, it’s just a bad sex life.”

"You must also appreciate that sex is often awkward and funny"

Don’t take things too seriously

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the thought of doing something wrong, but remember that sex, first and foremost, should be fun. Mistakes may happen, but that’s okay, so long as there is accountability and learning that takes place. 

“You must also appreciate that sex is often awkward and funny,” smiles Litherland, “But it’s meant to be enjoyed, yes? And so I think,  awkwardness can be, especially with a loving partner, can be diffused quite easily, embrace the humour!” 

Further reading

If you’re still feeling unsure about where to begin with gender-affirming intimacy, then no fear, Kemp-Davis has you covered with some helpful reading suggestions. 

“Some great places to start, are  Fucking Transwomen by Mirra Bellweather and the book Trans Sex For Adults by Kelvin Sparks.

Lucie Fielding’s book ‘Trans Sex: Clinical Approaches to Trans Sexualities and Erotic Embodiments‘ is aimed at therapists, but is full of wonderful information and exercise suggestions that anybody can try,” they suggest.

“I also highly recommend the books ‘Rewriting the Rules‘ by Meg-John Barker and ‘Finally, Helpful Sex Advice!‘ by Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker.”

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