Meet Girthmaster, the internet’s new, uh, gifted boyfriend whose name speaks for itself

The internet got a new boyfriend, main character, f*ck buddy, and/or horror-movie monster this week.

He’s a 6’6″, 30-year-old Aussie who goes by the username “Girthmasterr”. And the moniker just about says it all.

While Mr. Girth has been creating OnlyFans content for nearly two years, it wasn’t until he recently got stopped for a viral TikTok video that his, uh, gifts reached the masses.

After being asked what he does for work, he revealed that he’s in “the top 0.1% of creators on the platform worldwide” and earns between “$40,000 and $80,000 a month.” The interview has been viewed over 104 million times.

And reader, let me tell you, he definitely has the goods to back it up.

While the adorable himbo’s social media account is beyond NSFW and even his PG-friendly Instagram is blocked, he’s been blessed with a reported “eight-inch-long, seven-inch-circumferenced” member. No, but really!

Even Cardi B couldn’t help but weigh in on his mind-shattering size. Though writer Ashley Reese perhaps put it best when she tweeted, “Holy sh*t it is quite literally the size of a bottle of wine.” He also seems to be friends with Lana Del Rey‘s ex Jack Donoghue?! But that’s beside the point.

According to Pornhub, searches for @girthmasterr “skyrocketed 1255%” after the post. So obviously, Gay Twitter X –– and anyone with eyeballs on the internet –– reacted as chaotically as you’d expect.

OK, so this god amongst mortals is heterosexual. Alas, some fruits are not humanly possible to take must remain forbidden.

Nevertheless, he’s made it clear that his meat is made for all to enjoy. (“Everyone is welcome ,” his bio reads.) That being said, he’s yet to collaborate with another male creator and told Rolling Stone –– yes, he was interviewed by the Stone! –– that he doesn’t see it happening anytime soon.

“I only want to create things that I enjoy and that I kind of have a vision for,” he explained. “I kind of feel like [if i shot gay content], I’d be ripping [gay fans] off. It would kind of be a cash grab in a sense. And I just wouldn’t feel ethical.” (Also, who’d hide the bottom’s body after? Kidding!)

Interestingly enough, the Girthmaster(r) revealed that while the majority of his followers are male, only about 15% identify as gay. Although he thinks “there’s some flexibility there [in terms of orientation].” And we’d bet money that his recent viral fame has certainly bolstered his LGBTQ+ following.

As the heavy-shafted knight told Rolling Stone, he got his royal start on –– where else? –– Tumblr, posting a nude selfie and immediately hearing for the first time that his sword was “out of the ordinary.”

Apparently, Girthmaster worked a handful of day jobs like pizza delivery boy and furniture builder (let the fantasies begin!) before someone suggested he hop on the OnlyFans craze.

“They told me to stop giving it away for free, because people would pay for it,” he explained. “Honestly, I thought it’d be just a little bit of beer money. But it kind of snowballed.” Sometimes, when you’ve got a gift, the best thing you can do is share it with the world!

Still, it seems he’s got a good head on his shoulders, as well as down under. Having grown up poor, he’s working to get his pilot’s license and buy his single mother a home.

Plus, he has sympathy for the double standard that female sex workers deal with. “Women should be upset they get treated differently to the way I get treated,” he added. “It’s insecure men who don’t like the idea that women can be independent, and can do all these things themselves and might not need a man in their life.”

And while he’s working hard to not “make my penis my entire personality,” he doesn’t mind if you make it yours.

“My name is the Girthmaster,” he said. “I am there to be objectified in a way. It doesn’t bother me. Feel free to objectify the Girthmaster all you want. He’s there for your entertainment.” And for that, we bow down!