Gay Twitter™ is flush with hilarious tweets about urinals

Urinals may be welcome sights for anyone with a full bladder, but plenty of people are pissed off, so to speak, whenever they have to use them.

In 2016, for example, Callum McCulloch wrote for The Tab that using a urinal “is the most socially awkward part of being a man.” He wrote:

There is always a bloke who unleashes their junk like they’re lifting a bag of rocks. And is an elongated and alarmingly sexual exhaling of breath really necessary? My distaste isn’t born out of masculine inadequacy — that’s an article for another time — rather, for the peacocking ritual itself. … In fact, I dislike using urinals so much in clubs I will pretend to be on something — sniffing like I’ve just smashed a seven-gram rock — to justify my use of the cubicle (“Is my nose bleeding? Well, it feels like it’s bleeding.”).

And then there’s the phenomenon of “shy bladder,” as Louis Staples detailed for Vice in 2018:

After about 30 seconds of inaction, the panic sets in, soon evolving into full-blown mental catastrophe as I realise that nothing is coming. I quickly improvise a performance of faux penis shaking and hand drying, before exiting sheepishly. … The expectation to use a urinal and to pee standing up are the two biggest downsides of penis ownership. At home, I take a leisurely approach, often sitting down while judging other people’s meals on Instagram. But as soon as I enter a public toilet, I’m out as quick as possible.

(FYI, shy bladder syndrome — or paruresis, if we’re being technical — is a psychological condition in which anxiety tightens one’s sphincter, restricting the flow of urine. And then the failure to pee just heightens one’s anxiety. Victoria’s Department of Health has a whole article about this vicious cycle.)

As PopMatters reports, the urinal was first patented in the United States in 1866, when Andrew Rankin introduced an upright flushing apparatus. Urinals soon became popular in urban centers, where they reduced the space occupied by a restroom and also reduced the time workers spent in the loo.

And cases of paruresis have probably skyrocketed ever since.

Now, please enjoy these funny tweets from people with varying degrees of comfort with urinals.

this guy just approached me at the urinal and starts pissing and goes u made some good points in class but all I rambled about was how nature is fundamentally queer and both our dicks are out so was that flirting

— ????? (@w3rmo) April 19, 2018

Whoever invented this style of urinal gay as hell pic.twitter.com/0ZC1BfoMdf

— cam (@harleybaghdad) June 25, 2022

Gay culture is peeing in a stall when there's a bunch of urinals open

— Gerardo Jerry (@gerrythegemini) December 16, 2018

Gay culture is checking Twitter w one hand while using the urinal w the other

— Kevin Wong ? (@kwprime) March 28, 2019

LA is so progressive! Single and homosexual couple urinals ? pic.twitter.com/24qbt1Jsau

— ??c? (???)?? (@ZachNyx) November 8, 2022

Dude: "wow, theres not a lot of room b/w these urinals"
Me: "yeah its pretty cramped for a straight bar"
Dude "…"
Dude "…"
Dude "what do you mean straight bar"
Me: "ive been to several gay bars where the urinal was just a big trough"
Dude: "…"
Dude: *zips fly and walks out*

— Jessie Sparkles (@Jessiesparklesx) May 20, 2018

Related: Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black make a splash together at the urinals

For sanitary reasons, I now use the urinals in public toilets. And as a gay, this is a bit uncomfortable.

— KarlBau ? ):) #LabanLang ? (@KarlBauuu) October 17, 2020

Broke: transitioning to be happier

Woke: transitioning to get away from the FUCKING ADS ON THE URINALS pic.twitter.com/o1aHPsiGll

— Queenie (@queer_queenie) January 28, 2019

A gay man. At 32. And guess what? I’ve trained myself to use urinals (drunk only but it’s progress innit?)

— P?DD? (@ThrowingAPaddy) July 8, 2022

Accidentally body checked someone going for the same urinal I wanted this is a revolutionary act you take up space as queer folx

— prettier jesus (@bxsel) January 18, 2022

I went to a VC’s office and they had this high-tech urinal in the bathroom. WORST URINAL EVER. Pee gets everywhere. pic.twitter.com/snIYWzuqi6

— Roshan Patel (@roshanpateI) February 17, 2023

Do guys shout no homo before they whip their dicks out next to eachother at the urinals

— Eliza ? (@m3chanicalbr1d3) October 12, 2020

Me the first time I pissed on a guy sitting between urinals at a club pic.twitter.com/vjNiyObyRG

— david fragrance (@davey87654321) October 6, 2021

Related: Men’s urinal games could encourage drunken bad aim, ruined shoes

coming out as a gay who hates urinals and peeing standing up.

— chris ? (@mych3micalswift) October 1, 2022

Only a gay bar would have a full length mirror around the urinals pic.twitter.com/LEuTkwG2ZZ

— allec (@SirWhiskalot) January 10, 2023

Ladies watch over your gay roommates cause I just had to handcuff mine to the radiator after he tried to leave the house dressed as a urinal for the 3rd time this week

— Dr. Roberta Bobby (@DrSweety303) April 21, 2022

Not Wordle, just the exact order that five empty urinals should be taken up.

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— cluedont (@cluedont) January 27, 2022

Urinal dividers are homophobic but in a fucking funny and actually “scared of gay people” way. Just fittings that only exist to stop another man from perceiving your penis. Real men should piss in a trough and sword fight with the piss.

— GG (@goldisacks) May 17, 2021

It you've never used a restroom with water trough urinals, have you ever really been in cowboy country? pic.twitter.com/xxz1t9l4Uo

— Brett Crosby (@mbacowboy) November 13, 2021

WHEN I finally snap and kill an old man at a urinal for doing some weird ass grunt conversation with me about sports, I want a jury of my PEERS (12 gays who would’ve used a stall if one was open) and I look forward to walking FREE.

— caleb hearon (@calebsaysthings) December 27, 2018