A proposal to ban wet wipes has gay men freaking out

They’re coming for our wet wipes!

England’s environment minister told BBC News Tuesday the government is considering a ban on plastic wet wipes to tackle water pollution. According to the article, wet wipes account for 93% of sewer blockages in England, and around 90% of them contain plastic. Yikes!

“It is part of a wider plan to improve water quality in England, where no river or waterway is considered clean,” the article says.

That sounds pretty bad, but has the government considered the alternative? If the ban goes through, England’s waterways may be cleaner, but the bums of British men will not.

That would be–pardon the pun–a true bummer.

In all seriousness, there are legitimate reasons to stop using wet wipes, even here in the States. In addition to being a huge pollutant, they’re actually not very good for you. An anal surgeon laid out the case last year in the publication Well and Good.

“People tend to use wet wipes and then pull up their pants, so what happens is that the moisture sits there,” said Dr. Evan Goldstein. “The moisture just festers, and it causes a change in bacteria and leads to irritation.”

What’s the end result? Due to the buildup of bacteria, people can feel as if they’re suffering from fissures or hemorrhoids, which is very painful–and also not conducive to anal cleanliness.

But…wet wipes just feel too good! Let’s break it down like this: if you were covered in dirt, would you scrub yourself with a dry paper towel? Of course not! That would be ridiculous, never mind futile.

The same logic should apply to poo, right?

Of course, anal tissue is much more delicate than, say, the skin on your arms and legs. The doctor makes sense.

But he’s also apparently never had a bottoming emergency…

It’s important to note that England hasn’t actually passed a ban on plastic wet wipes. The proposal will undergo a consultation, which has happened three times since 2021. Sky News skewered the idea, calling it a “recycled policy.”

When it comes to waterway pollution there are bigger culprits than wet wipes, such as industrial waste. Sky News says rivers in England have been used as “open sewers for decades.”

With that in mind, it seems like wet wipes are being scapegoated. But gays are always persistent.

In the aforementioned Well and Being article, Dr. Goldstein advocates for bidets as the best cleaning method for underneath. Now, that’s something we can get behind!

Maybe some influential London gays can lobby for a wet wipes ban to coincide with a nationwide bidet buildup. It would be the Real New Deal of anal health.

We would happily lobby for it here.