Can you be “too nice” when hosting a hookup?

A gay man has sparked discussion with a question about hookup etiquette. The UK-based 37-year-old wondered whether he was too hospitable with his hosting.

Posting on the AskGayBrosOver30 subreddit, the man said, “My last three hookups and the advice of my ex has got me questioning whether I’m doing too much when I hookup?

“First guy [24m] I hosted, we sat on the sofa for a bit. He was noticeably hot from the weather so I offered him a water bottle. He hesitated and said ‘don’t let me put you out.’ I said ‘don’t be silly’ and gave him one.

“We started touching then that led to the bedroom pretty fast. We had some fun, finished, then laid in bed for nearly an hour just chatting about anything and everything. Towards the end, he said it had been a really nice afternoon and he’s never had a post-hookup convo before.

How about we take this to the next level?

Subscribe to our newsletter for a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Subscribe to our Newsletter today

“The second guy [25], came over, sat in the livingroom, then we actually had fun on the sofa. It was passionate and sweaty, and after we finished, I offered him a shower. He looked at me as if I told a joke, then his eyes softened and he said ‘yes please.’ When he was done, I asked if it was ok as the water pressure is crappy sometimes. He thanked me so many times, highlighting the towel, the soap and the cleanliness but also said he’s never showered at another guy’s house before.

“The third guy [22] came over. We walked past the bedroom to go to the living room. He see’s the bedroom and says ‘oh’ whilst pointing at the bed. I asked ‘did you wanna chill for a bit?” and he stands there looking confused. I clock he just wants to get straight to it so smile and jokingly say ‘ahh, I know what you want’ whilst putting my hands around his waist and guiding him to the bed. We play then he simply left.”

Wrong impression?

The man, who describes himself as a top who usually hosts, then recounted a recent conversation with his 41-year-old ex.

“He said I’m too ‘nice’, describing me as too accommodating. He gave the example that we were having drinks but I had put snacks and nibbles from the airfryer out, commenting that I have a tendency to go overboard and give the wrong impression.

“My question is, am I doing too much? … I find these are simple acts of courtesy, but perhaps I’m making hookups uncomfortable?”

Age difference

The question prompted over 130 comments in a few hours.

The most well-liked answer came from a man in his late 20s. He said, “If you’re hosting and you have snacks for me, I’m coming back. Be careful though, you feed some stray cats and they will never leave.”

Others suggested that age can be a factor.

“Younger guys are much more likely to perceive your accommodation and kindness and general willingness to converse and treat them like a human being instead of a piece of a** as a sign that you are interested in more,” suggested one.

“This isn’t always true. But broadly with younger guys I feel I have to communicate really clearly and often, especially if they’re coming back like the stray cat that never leaves lol. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and depending on their life experience, a really sweet gentle older guy who cares for and respects them could pull them in quick without that being the intention. Nip that crush in the bud before it gets hard on them. Unless you genuinely plan to ask them on a date.”

Another man agreed, saying, “A bunch of 25-year-olds is probably gonna be somewhat bewildered by common courtesy from someone 15 years older. It’s probably kinda far outside most of the experiences they’ve had.”

“Basic human needs”

“You sound like an awesome host,” said a third. “It could be that these younger guys are just not used to receiving such hospitality from others their age. It’s a good thing for them to learn from you. I hope this will set higher expectations for future guys they meet.”

The vast majority praised the guy for his etiquette.

“A host and top who cares is really a good thing. I’ve traveled and hosted and the best hosts have just taken care of simple human needs, conversation and connection,” was another well-liked response.

“How is this too much??” agreed another. “Sounds like you’re just being a nice host. It’s not like you offered to do their taxes and save them some money. I know the world is changing and (some not all) people have been used to the bare minimum but offering someone water and another one a shower is perfectly normal.”

“A top that hosts with humanity and manners – what a rarity! No wonder they are impressed! This is more of a reflection of how coldly many folks treat each other in the hookup world these days,” added another man in his late 30s.

Others criticized the man’s ex.

“Ignore your ex. Any gay who has anybody over for drinks and doesn’t put snacks out is not reading the gay manual very carefully,” cautioned one.

Occupation

Queerty reached out to the original poster to ask him if he’d appreciated the feedback.

“The feedback was helpful and better confirmed younger guys just might not be as experienced with knowing what a good hookup looks like,” he said.

“There was a comment asking if I work in hospitality. I think that’s an interesting one, as the jobs we do/lives we lead impact the people we are and how we treat others.”

Related

This tale of a hookup gone disastrously wrong is shaking the internet
A cautionary tale of a dastardly DL hookup

Should you say “thank you” after a quickie or hookup?
Do you consider it rude not to say ‘thank you’ after doing the deed with a hookup?

Sign up for the Queerty newsletter to stay on top of the hottest stories in LGBTQ+ entertainment, politics, and culture.