I’m a college professor who saw my “straight” PhD candidate at a men’s spa. How should I handle it?

Hi Jake,

I‘m a professor in my mid 40s at a pretty well-known university. In addition to teaching classes, I’m currently mentoring three PhD candidates in developing their research skills and completing their postdocs.

Sounds professional, right? I try to be… which is why I was freaking out when I saw one of my candidates at a very frisky men’s spa that I frequent in L.A.

Trust me, I’ve always had reservations about being out in public in this type of setting, especially since it’s basically become a modern day bathhouse. Guys are wearing nothing but a small white towel, and many times even those are fallen by the wayside when they are in the steam room or saunas. Not only that, but there’s TONS of action, and no one even tries to hide it!

That said, professors have needs too, and I had never seen anyone I knew before… until now.

As I was walking towards the hot tub last weekend, low and behold one of my PhD candidates is coming back from that area and walks right by me, locking eyes along the way. I felt immediately exposed and embarrassed (and worried he would tell other students), so I left the spa. I can’t even imagine what he might be feeling.

I really don’t know what to do or say. It’s not like he can judge me for being there, since he was there too? He was obviously there to get his needs met as well. Is it better to not say anything and pretend like nothing happened? Or should I casually bring up our run-in and assure his confidentiality, so that we can move past it?

Panicked Professor

Dear Panicked Professor,

Students seeing their teachers (and vice versa) in a sensual light is not a new phenomenon (see this and this), but that doesn’t mean sharing a sauna should be anywhere near the syllabus.

Whenever you’re in a position of authority in the community, it’s always a risk when you put yourself in a situation where a more “personal side” of your life might be revealed. It’s a small world after all, and you never know who’s going to turn up where.

At the same time, as professionals, we deal with calculated risks all the time, and we have to balance being a person who embodies authority and garners respect with also being a real-life human being. You’re not doing anything wrong by going to a spa, and you’re allowed to have a healthy (and hopefully safe) sex life, too.

I actually think you did the right thing by leaving right after you saw your PhD candidate. As the person with more power in the relationship, you have to be the one to step up and do what you can to ensure boundaries aren’t crossed more than they already are.

Part of what makes certain mentor/mentee relationships effective is that they are very contained, and you don’t have to worry about lines being crossed, allowing them to feel safe and secure.

Just like with therapists, lawyers, and doctors who may run into a patient in the wild, there’s always a chance you can run into one of your students, and we do our best to set up parameters to ensure the relationships can remain as confidential and protected as we can. As your situation shows, that’s not always easy, but you can move forward from a messy situation in the best way you can.

Since going to a frisky spa has probably zero to do with the work you are doing with your candidate, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. If he mentions something, and you get the sense he wants to talk about it, then you can certainly make space for that. However, bringing it up unnecessarily could make him really uncomfortable, and sour the relationship. Plus, you don’t know for certain that he even saw you (sometimes people have other things on their mind in those settings!).

Should you go back again to that particular spa? Maybe not. I’d consider finding an alternative, just to avoid a repeat encounter. If your mentee decides to tell his classmates (which I think is unlikely), remember that as long as you have no shame about your actions, no one else’s opinions should affect you. You weren’t breaking any laws, nor hurting anyone else.

Plus, who’s to say you’re not engaging in “research”?

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email jakemyers@queerty.com for consideration.