“It’s not the oligarchy, it’s the closetocracy”: Hunter Biden’s spills on MAGA’s gay secrets

It feels like the only honest take we’re getting on the news these days is through the wonderful women of I’ve Had It podcast. Hosts Jennifer Welch and Angie “Pumps” Sullivan keep us informed on the many insane, absurd twists and turns handed us by the MAGA government takeover, and they never let us forget that behind every anti-trans, homophobic law and lawmaker stands a closeted gay coward trying his best to pray the gay away… and failing. Looking at you, Mike Johnson!

Last year, the podcast did a deep dive on the many MAGA pundits who have been haunted for decades by gay rumors, including Johnson, Marco Rubio, and Benny Johnson. This week on the podcast, they’ve brought on a very special guest to pick up that thread once more: none other than Hunter Biden.

Politics, but make it gay!

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Joe Biden’s very handsome bad boy son has been putting his trolling talents to great use this summer by letting MAGA clowns know that he’s never stolen an erection in his life. On I’ve Had It, he’s also spilling the tea on the “closetocracy” of secretly gay politicians hiding in the Tr*mp ranks.

In a conversation about his sobriety, his father’s leadership, and the embarassment that is our current administration, Biden doesn’t hold back.

Welch and Biden wander on to the subject of MAGA closet cases while talking about the “top 3 fantasy laptops” they could get their hands on from MAGA men as revenge for what they did with Biden’s own laptop. They don’t get past pick #1 (Josh Hawley, naturally) before Biden starts in on his theory about Washington’s “closetocracy.”

“I believe that the biggest problem…in Washington DC is…not the oligarchy, it’s the closetocracy, as I call it,” Biden says. “I’m being totally serious. I can name a list,” he says, referring to the glass closets of prominent, self-hating MAGA men.

The two pull up a photo of Josh Hawley and KCC kicker Harrison “women should stay in the kitchen” Butker. “This looks like a gay engagement photo,” Welch says. She’s not wrong!

The laptop Biden wants to get his hands on after Hawley might not belong to a gay man, but it does belong to someone whose kinks are pretty out there. Ted Cruz, of course! “Every single one of his colleagues hates him,” Biden says, while alluding to Cruz’s many dark possible kinks. Welch brings up that notorious time Cruz liked a p*rn tweet on 9/11 and promptly blamed it on his staffers.

“Ted,” Biden jokes, “I can understand when your digital life becomes laughing fodder. I can understand your pain.”

Who’s number three? “Little Moses Mike Grindr Johnson,” as the podcast has lovingly nicknamed him. Biden says he still doesn’t understand the whole thing about how Johnson and his son allegedly “monitor” each others p*rn usage. Hunter, you are not alone in your confusion.

“I know for certain,” he says, “and everybody in DC knows this…there is this closeted gay mafia, largely Republican, that exists in Washington…and everybody knows every single one of them, who’s gay. And what I believe, the only reason that is relevant, is…that internal conflict creates so much vitriol inside of a person that they take it out on the rest of the world.”

This internalized homophobia creates, in Biden’s words, this “blackened heart” because you can’t “be who you want to be, so [you] take it out on everybody else.”

When Welch offers the late homophobe Lindsey Graham as an example, Biden simply says: “of course.”

It’s nothing we didn’t know, but there’s something validating about hearing it from someone who’s spent a large part of his time in Washington and has seen this “blackened heart” effect firsthand. Biden is willing to admit to some of his father’s failures in office, but when it comes to LGBTQ+ rights and trans protections, he has to give him his flowers. “His father is as “My father is as confused about transgenderism as any 80 year old,” Hunter says. “But he put transgender people in his cabinet, he stood up for transgender people, and people still voted for him.”

Amen to that!

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