Pride takes on new meaning in the middle of the South African savanna

We wake up at 4:45 a.m., silently walk toward the dirt road on the outskirts of the lodge, and board an uncovered safari jeep that transports us to a set of boulders in the middle of a sparse open field. And while we’ve been on the lookout for the Big Five, this morning is about a different kind of Pride.

Giraffes rustle in the brush just beyond, and the first signs of light peak over the horizon. You can hear a small flock of birds chirping here and there, but other than that, there is complete silence. David Ryan, our host and founder of Out2Africa, Rhino Africa, and Silvan Safari, motions us to sit on the rock facing east and just … be.

It feels like the edge of the universe as the vast savanna stretches out before us. When people ask me to describe my trip to South Africa, I struggle to find the right words. Do I tell them about being surrounded by mind-blowing wildlife? Or our queer chosen family that we experienced it with? Or do I get real and tell them what really happened — that a boy who spends most of his life online, who often rushes too quickly from one task to another, who over the years has built wall upon wall to protect himself, and who for the most part gets so preoccupied that he often loses sight of himself — was able to for once in a very long while, sit down and get quiet, to listen to the world around him and at last recognize his own reflection.

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I never felt more human than sitting on a rock in the middle of nowhere, watching the sun rise slowly. We often get so bogged down by the stresses and pressures of everyday life: the reality of crushing work expectations, how we should or shouldn’t be, our sexualities, unjust systems, oppression, and inequality. We pack our emotions down as far and as tight as they will go. Only when I allow myself to get quiet do they come flowing back to the surface.

I’m not saying that my life or anything significant changed inside of me. But I did experience a deep sense of pride that’s been difficult to explain. We simply listened to a meditation and reflected on gratitude and love for ourselves and the world around us. But what I noticed most was just feeling proud to be inside this body. I didn’t wish to be anything or want to be anyone different. What’s spectacular is that it completely opposed what I had been taught or came to understand about myself from a young age. A simple concept has far-reaching implications for how we see and value ourselves.

What I’ve believed deep down is that I’m going to live a good life despite being gay. But the word “despite” implies that my sexuality is a shortcoming, not a strength, and therefore, I’m somehow wrong, less worthy, and inferior.

Sitting in the quiet, reflecting on gratitude, I recognized at that moment all the good that being gay has brought to my life. All the joy, camaraderie, opportunity, understanding, and perspective it’s added. I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

My life is enriched because of the conversations I’ve had in the LGBTQ+ community. I’ve witnessed the change and growth in societies worldwide and work towards more equality. I’m sitting on a rock in the middle of the South African savannah with a group of queers I’ve met because I’m gay. I work in travel and tell the stories of LGBTQ+ people around the world because I’m gay. I found my husband and fell in love because I’m gay.

Coming out may be a lifelong journey, with many discoveries along the way. This is one of those discoveries. At this moment, my definition of pride shifts. It’s more about how I view myself and having pride in who I am. It’s about finding gratitude in that rather than wishing to change others’ minds about my worth. I’m worthy because I am gay, not despite it.

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