Why are so many gay men single? People on social media have plenty of ideas

A wise woman once said, “Love is a battlefield.” And boy, was she right.

It’s no secret that 2023 has been the year of celebrity splits, with its latest victim being Lukas Gage and Chris Appleton, who just filed for divorce after 6 months of marriage due to “irreconcilable differences.”

Their relationship puts them in company with LGBTQ+ stars like Ricky Martin and Jwan Yosef, Russell Tovey and Steve Brockman, and Billy Porter and Adam Smith, who also called it quits this year.

It begs the question: why are the gays struggling to stay in relationships?

And over the weekend, one brave Gay Twitter X user took to social media to get some answers.

“Why are the majority of us gays single? Serious question,” @turntlibra wrote.

No surprise, he got some serious answers.

One of the biggest culprits, according to social media gays, is monogamy –– or lackthereof.

Indeed, a 2022 study from the National Center for Institutional Diversity found that 77% of gay and bisexual men, as well as 56% of bisexual women and lesbians have tried out a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives.

I’m single because I refuse to have an open relationship— Kyle Mong (@KyleMong) November 12, 2023

However, it’s not quite that simple.

Other users speculated that internalized homophobia, religious trauma, and a lack of successfully wed LGBTQ+ couples to look at in reference play a role.

After all, same-sex marriage wasn’t even legalized until 2015. Many queer people today remember a society where their relationships were affected by society’s fear of HIV/AIDS, the Defense of Marriage Act, and a lack of legal protections.

We lost an entire generation of gay men. Our community is playing catch up when it comes on to learning about relationship dynamics, so in the meantime we claw at the boxes we allow society to put us in.— Free (@kurkuh) November 12, 2023

If I had to guess :

Trauma from growing up with being gay/bi and the problems with that

Guys being more hyper sexual making monogamy harder

Some guys who should not be monogamous tryn to make that work

Less examples to reference in terms of the ideal same sex relationship— TheBussyMonster (@Th3BussyMonst3r) November 12, 2023

Most people date and explore relationships starting in middle/high school. Most gay men don't experience this until MUCH later in life, while also doing so with stereotypes and trauma from outside sources so it's harder to differentiate reality vs expected reality.— Cozy Papi (@jamesgoldblood) November 12, 2023

a lot of gays grow up being “othered” or made fun of. So, in adulthood, they aspire to things that will make them superficially more acceptable to the societal norms. This creates a lack of depth and self worth, which in turn destroys any chance for a relationship of substance.— ANGEL (@boyslovecartel) November 12, 2023

Furthermore, factors like location and proximity to LGBTQ+ communities also play a role.

There are plenty of fish in the sea in metropolitan hot spots like New York City or West Hollywood… but the selection in more conservative towns may feel like you’re scraping an algae-covered pond bottom. (No pun intended!)

Personally, where I live.. there aren’t a lot of men that are my type. I need to move somewhere in the south or like NYC, or LA where more men of my type are.

As a collective, too many people just want to hookup and have fun. That or people just don’t know what they want.— Markaus Copeland (@Markaus9715) November 12, 2023

Me personally I don’t go out to clubs, bars, etc. so maybe that’s why I’m single. I need to go out and mingle lol. Also probably where I live. Seems like there are more DL gay men here in NC then there are “out of the closet” gay men. And the dudes I do run into just want sex. pic.twitter.com/93IkodR7XR— Ari-Chan (@thankunextbihh) November 12, 2023

Still, even more complex and nuanced issues could be at play.

The LGBTQ+ community is still confronting its problems with fatphobia, femmephobia, and racism. In fact, it wasn’t until the Black Lives Matter protests of 2020 that Grindr decided to remove its “ethnicity” filters.

“masc4masc”. that’s it, that’s my answer.— lajäy (@jamarlajayy) November 13, 2023

Cuz the community superficial— Robby (@Sir_Rob27) November 12, 2023

Them “preferences” — The Missing Jete’ (@HershiiLiqCour) November 12, 2023

I think guys are scared to like what they like in fear of the opinions of others. You might love fems or big boys but the community is screaming no fats no fems.— THROAT-FIL-A (@dabesteater) November 12, 2023

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, gay men might be dragging their feet before tying the knot a bit more than queer women.

Results from 2019 data revealed that 53.4% of married same-sex couples were female, while 46.6% were male.

That being said, LGBTQ+ people are continuing to rewrite the rules of what happiness, partnership, and fulfillment look like in a world defined by heteronormativity.

With the absence of a biological clock, the ability to determine what longterm commitment looks like to us, and a more nuanced view of sex versus romance, being LGBTQ+ and single doesn’t necessarily have the same connotation as it does for the straights.

We are too fixated on this.

For millennial gays; most of us didn’t go through teen/college relationships in our formative years. We don’t have the skills to navigate and foster healthy relationships.

We’re all just doing our best.— Magical Space Negro (@TyTheRobot) November 12, 2023

And with the added stress of legislation attacking our rights, user @TyTheRobot said it perfectly when he wrote, “We’re all just doing our best.” If we can log off that little orange-devil app for 10 minutes, at least.

Now here’s to finding a good man!

Check out more responses from LGBTQ+ users on social media below.

Social media— Marcus Million$ (@MarcusMillions_) November 12, 2023

Here’s some crazy shit, go out w friends, seen this guy many times b4, we have 8 things in common, big things, got up the courage to ask him out, he declines. Ok cool, he tells my friend he’d never date me cause I’m short(5’6) and work for fed ex.— Brian (@HasaniLLC) November 12, 2023

There's no Gay 101 handbook, most don't understand what being in a relationship is, we've normalized gay relationships that didn't work instead of praising the ones that did/do but more importantly, people aren't certain who they are fully yet seek a partner.— LlOUtenant (@DISGUDMOUTHDOE) November 12, 2023

I think gay men want to be in relationships but do everything wrong to find a long time partner. If you focus on looks, body type, and sex, but fail to look at the inner core of the person. It’s only a matter of time before those looks fade, and you see the monster behind it pic.twitter.com/2pfS9RErue— Take_Every_Inch (@inch_take) November 12, 2023

Unhealed trauma. Get a therapist before getting into a relationship!— Annie’s boobs (@Kingjordanhill) November 12, 2023

Most men are emotionally stunted so the emotions range from nonexistent to overboard and either is a pain

There can be major clashes in personality, that get ignored to either good looks or good sex. Speaking of which hook up culture killed the stage of getting to know someone— RJ says a Rap (@doinitwell2802) November 12, 2023

For me, I’m still not sure but I literally get nauseous thinking about being in a relationship with someone. I feel like I still haven’t had enough growth to be the partner I need to be. I feel unreliable. Don’t think it has anything to do with being gay. It’s just my truth.— a lil respect goes a long way (@DreDaKreator) November 12, 2023

I was talking to this guy about a date we had coming up for a week, we were both excited. We had no sexual conversations, the day before our date he asked me if I was cut or uncut, I asked him why and he said "lol so I won't be wasting my time". We in fact did not go on that date— break my knees so I can move (@JRodEsShady) November 13, 2023

Because we romanticize relationships, and instead of doing what works for our partnerships, we allow outside influence and unrealistic expectations convince us otherwise.

We also don’t know how to handle long term conflict, and run anytime something becomes too difficult.— AdultingArt21 (@AdultingArt21) November 12, 2023

a lot of gays grow up being “othered” or made fun of. So, in adulthood, they aspire to things that will make them superficially more acceptable to the societal norms. This creates a lack of depth and self worth, which in turn destroys any chance for a relationship of substance.— ANGEL (@boyslovecartel) November 12, 2023