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Former NFL star Esera Tuaolo talks Super Bowl, Carl Nassib, and meeting his fiancé on Grindr
Ahead of Super Bowl Sunday, we caught up with Tuaolo for our new Time Out interview series, and talked about his reflections on NFL life, his nascent singing career, and his experiences on the apps.
When Esera Tuaolo publicly came out as gay in 2002 after retiring from the NFL, he said he didn’t think there would ever be an out active NFL player.
The league just wasn’t ready for it, and neither were the fans.
Two decades later, the 6-foot-4, 300 pounds former defensive lineman is happy to say he’s been proven wrong when Carl Nassib came out in 2021.
Tuaolo has stayed close to the game since retirement, hosting an annual Super Bowl party sponsored by his anti-bullying organization, Hate Is Wrong, and speaking to rookies about inclusion.
While he remains connected to the NFL, his biggest areas of growth have occurred far away from the gridiron: singing on stage, manning the kitchen in Provincetown, falling in love with his fiancé.
Ahead of Super Bowl Sunday, we caught up with Tuaolo (a.k.a. “Mr. Aloha) for our new Time Out interview series, and talked about his reflections on NFL life, his nascent singing career, and his experiences on the apps.
Here’s what he had to say…
QUEERTY: You came out publicly in 2002 after your playing career ended. What’s it been like watching Carl Nassib the last couple of seasons?
TUAOLO: Super exciting! For 18 years, after I came out, the number one question was always, “When is the first active NFL player going to come out?” So when Carl came out, we finally got an answer to that.
Just looking in the past, going all the way back to the ’70s when David Kopay came out. After he came out, people thought it was going to be this chain reaction. But a couple of decades later, there was still nobody. Not in a million years, when I was playing back in the ’90s, did I ever think an active NFL player would come out. When [Nassib] came out, being the athlete he is, he showed everyone that we can play.
The public reaction has been great for Carl. But how far do you think the NFL has to go to be more inclusive?
It’s come a long way. They’re doing a good job realizing that the pink dollar is worth something. They’re doing outreach to our community, but there’s some work that needs to be done within the trenches.
When I played, it was very homophobic. If you even uttered the word “f*ggot” or “gay” or “queer”, it would put a stamp on you, gay or straight. The worst thing you could ever do to a player was call him a “f*g” or accuse him of being gay. It’s definitely changed. People are holding other people accountable.
When I spoke at the rookie symposium back in 2006 or 2007, there were 300 top athletes in the country. 300 rookies, and one stupid question. The stupid question was, “If you’re a f*g, and if I call you a f*g, is that offensive?” It took every ounce of restraint in my body to not jump across the table.
But what I saw in that room, was I saw all of those players looking at that individual and going, “What the hell?” He thought he would get a bunch of laughs. But instead, he got a bunch of guys calling him out.
When did you realize, “Yes, I’m gay, but I’m also this great athlete.” At what point were you able to accept those two things about yourself?
I’ve known I was gay since I was five years old, seeing friends of mine beat up this kid on the playground, calling him a “f*g.” Back then, you don’t understand what the word is, but you see the hatred for the word.
As an athlete, I never felt that I was safe. I never felt like I could come out to anyone. I never felt I played up to my potential, because I was worried about people finding out. When I tell people, I woke up every single morning, I put on my clothes and walked into that locker room and transformed myself into something I wasn’t: a straight guy.
Putting on that persona every single freaking day of your life, and hearing the slurs, even though I was playing in the NFL, I never felt like I was complete.
It took me a while to realize, I played in the NFL. How many athletes or football players get to do that? I played nine years, and the average is three. I wasn’t a bench-warmer. I played. I can now look at myself in the mirror and say, “Hey, I was a good player.” But it took a while, man.
Switching gears, you love to sing. What role has singing played in your life?
I grew up singing. I learned my first song when I was four years old. My dad taught me a song called, “God bless my daddy.” Growing up, I was the entertainment for the family. In college, I would sing in the locker rooms, and then a friend of mine who was the trainer said, “Why don’t you sing the national anthem before one of the games?” So I did that.
In 2017, I got asked to be on The Voice, and I went all the way to the playoffs. It was such an amazing feeling. But the great feeling was, my kids weren’t around when I played in the NFL. But they were around for The Voice. It was cool to have my kids be part of that.
I have some recordings on Spotify. I’m coming out with a single this spring called, “Room for Love.” It was written by a good friend of mine. I hope that’s my breakout song!
You were saying before we started recording how much you love Provincetown. What made you fall in love?
I remember the first time going to P-Town. I had never heard of P-Town, or anything like that. When I went, what really brought me to tears was, it was like the Gay Pleasantville. I’m like, “What is this place?!” I’m walking down the street for the first time, and I’m tearing up. I see 50, 60 year old lesbians kissing and holding hands. I see gay people holding hands. It was like 90% gay, the flip from the outside world. It was just amazing to see all of that. I had been to Pride, but after Pride, people kind of go their own ways. In P-Town, it’s not like that. It’s gay all of the time. The shows there, the culture there, is amazing and beautiful. I’ll go every single year, because it’s amazing.
What are some of your favorite P-Town experiences?
I had a restaurant there at the Pilgrim House. After 2018, the chef at the Pilgrim House quit, and my friend who owns the Pilgrim House came and asked me. He knows I’m also a chef. I’m involved with Taste of the NFL. I cater and often donate dinners to charity. I’ve raised over $150,000 with chef dinners I’ve donated to non-profit organizations. We’re talking about doing it again this year, but it’s hard work. If I had my choice, I would go back to performing, and doing a show there. But people love the food!
Wow, so you’re a great athlete, you’re a great singer, you’re a great chef. What’s one thing you’re terrible at?
Tapping! I don’t know how to tap dance. It’s one of those things where, when you are suppressed and put into a box for the majority of your life, and you love doing things and can’t really do them. Then when you come out, it’s sort of like, this huge burden lifts off your shoulder. You feel like a superhero and you can do everything. You can go and hash out those things you’re passionate about and realize, “Holy sh*t. I’m good at it.” Me, being Mr. Ahola, and spreading that love into the universe, I just love putting smiles on people’s faces.
What’s one thing people don’t know about you?
I am an open book. I wrote a book, Alone in the Trenches, so I’m also an author!
You clearly still hit the gym. What’s on your workout playlist?
I have a song called “Whose house is this?” It’s my football song, my pump-up song. That’s one of them. But it’s always changing. Anything I hear on the radio that motivates me, I put it on my playlist. It’s got to be fast, it’s got to be motivational.
How did you meet your fiancé?
At a club. No, just kidding! We’re living in a different era. He’s probably going to hate me for saying this: we met on Grindr. It’s so funny, because it doesn’t matter who you meet. Everybody is on that app. If you’re at the grocery store or a mall or a restaurant, you open it up and you’re like, ‘Oh, there he is.’ A lot of people say they aren’t on it. Liars!
When you were on Grindr, did you mention that you played in the NFL?
Oh my gosh, no! My mistake with my fiancé was, I gave him my real Snapchat. It was “NFLJock98.” That was dumb. He Googled me. That Google, it’s definitely destroyed a lot of relationships. He’s not going to like that I mentioned that; but hello, we’re adults. It’s a new era.
Last question: What’s your Super Bowl prediction?
I’m pulling for the Eagles. They have two Polynesian players on their offensive line, and they’re beasts. Jalen Hurts, people are doubting him, saying negative shit about him. I want him to win a ring.
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