Gay bathhouse etiquette: Here’s what to expect
Never been to a gay bathhouse? Here are some do's and don'ts for first-timers, and an insight into what you'll find.
Bathhouses, like gay bars, have been around for what seems like forever. They pre-date gay bars. Men have been enjoying intimate moments with one another in saunas, hammams, and baths across various cultures and eras – especially in Roman times.
The gay bathhouse has long occupied a special place in queer culture (Bette Midler and Barry Manilow got their start performing a New York City bathhouse), but many guys never admit to visiting. That can make it hard to know what to expect the first time you visit a gay sauna and how you’re expected to behave.
Here’s a brief rundown to answer some of the most common questions, along with a few do’s and don’ts.
Arrival
Most gay bathhouses have a door buzzer entry system. At the front desk, in the U.S., you’ll likely need to show ID. Depending on local restrictions, you might also have to show proof of vaccination or get a membership. Once you’ve paid the admission fee, you’ll usually receive a couple of towels and a locker key.
If this is your first visit, ask the staff any questions you might have. They’re used to nervous first-timers and will try to answer any queries.
Depending on the size of the establishment, they may insist on searching your bag. This is for drugs or liquor, so they can keep everyone safe.
Drugs, in particular, are a no-no. Mixing drugs with hot steam rooms is never a good idea, and venues are understandably paranoid about anyone suffering an overdose on their premises. If you’re found carrying drugs, expect staff to ask you to leave and possibly bar you from returning. Similarly, they may decline entry if you turn up and appear intoxicated.
From the front desk, you’ll usually head straight into a locker room/changing area, complete with showers. Lots of people have hang-ups about undressing in front of others. If you’re on the plus size, most saunas have large towels for those of extra girth, or you can always bring your own if you’re worried about this.
Most places also allow you to wander around in a jockstrap or swimwear rather than a towel. Some allow for complete nudity in most areas.
Who will I meet at a gay bathhouse?
Looking at the adverts for any gay bathhouse, it’s easy to think only twinks or muscle-packed beefcakes visit them. This isn’t true.
In a sauna, you will meet every type of man under the sun, of all shapes, ages, and races. Many venues offer reduced-price admission for those under a certain age to boost the number of younger patrons, while some will offer themed nights aimed at certain people, such as bears.
What’s inside a gay bathhouse?
Most bathhouses offer dry saunas, steam rooms, hot tubs, and what are quaintly called “relaxation rooms.” They might also include a TV or movie space, which is basically a room screening adult movies. There will also be “cabins” or private rooms you can rent instead of a locker. Walk around and familiarize yourself with the layout.
Sex can take place in any of these areas, but most of the action will take place in the cabins. Depending on the size of the venue, these can be maze-like in layout. European establishments are often bigger than their U.S. counterparts.
Cabins may vary greatly in size and usually contain a bed (a plastic mattress on a raised platform – not a four-poster!). Some establishments offer VIP rooms with better beds, televisions, slings, or glory holes. Customers pay for the extras.
Most bathhouses also have a lounge area where you can sit, chill, or eat and drink. It is important to drink fluids if you spend any length of time in the sauna or steam rooms.
Will I definitely get sex?
If you’ve never been to a gay bathhouse, it’s easy to imagine you’ll find orgy-esque scenes of debauchery wherever you look. In fact, much of the action takes place within private cabins. In others, you may find large, more public cabins or darkrooms where several people have fun at once. Some people like to watch.
Are you guaranteed to have sex? No, and neither should you feel obliged to throw yourself into something to get your money’s worth from your trip.
You can have an amazing time at a sauna, and sometimes a dull or frustrating one. No two visits are the same, and it’s best to go with an open mind.
Be patient. You don’t have to have sex with the first person who catches your eye, and you don’t have to have sex with anyone at all.
Will people touch me without asking?
Bathhouses are places where men often don’t talk, and nonverbal communication dominates. Eye contact, a nod, a raised eyebrow… all indicate signs of interest (as can someone frantically waving at you to join them in a cabin).
Yes, someone may graze against you while passing you, or a hand may stray toward you. If you’re uninterested, moving away communicates this. If someone persists, is aggressive, or doesn’t seem to take no for an answer, speak to staff.
Read the room and be respectful. Do not let anyone force anything on you.
Although people don’t tend to talk, there’s never any harm in saying a simple ‘Hi’ to someone who catches your attention. Their response will make it clear whether the interest is mutual. If they’re uninterested, don’t take it personally.
A few other gay saunas do’s and don’ts
- It’s fine to go with a pal or group of friends, but don’t roam the place in a pack, giggling or commenting on everyone, as this will only make others uncomfortable.
- Most places allow you to check your phone in the changing room or lounge, but it’s a no-no in other areas. Leave it in your locker or cabin.
- All bathhouses should provide condoms, but it’s also fine to take your own (if, say, you like extra-large or other specialist varieties). You might also want to take lube, but most will provide this.
- A sauna is perhaps not the best place to bottom for the first time if you’ve not prepared yourself in advance.
- Be safe and have fun. Remember, you don’t have to have sex with anyone. You can enjoy the amenities and decide later if you want to return to do more.
Five of the best gay bathhouses and spas in the world
Pleasuredrome Spa Bar in London, U.K.
Now the biggest bathhouse in London, you’ll find the state-of-the-art Pleasuredrome under the railway arches of Waterloo station. It used the pandemic to undergo a top-to-bottom refurbishment.
Kaiserbründl, Vienna, Austria
One of the grandest and most beautiful gay bathhouses in the world, Kaiserbrundl has a history going back over 100 years.
Steamworks, Toronto, Canada
Steamworks, a gym, sauna, and bathhouse, is located in the heart of the Church and Wellesley gayborhood. It has sister venues in Vancouver, Chicago, Seattle, and Berkley.
Midtowne Spa, Los Angeles, U.S.
A smart, upmarket men’s bathhouse, Midtowne Spa also offers free HIV and STI testing.
Homo Sapiens, Buenos Aires, Argentina
The building and facilities are a little on the old and rundown side, but the huge Homo Sapiens is the biggest bathhouse in Argentina and always offers plenty of action.
Discover more gay bathhouses in our CityGuides
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