Help! My partner has ED. How do I tell him I want to use toys in the bedroom without making him feel inadequate?

Hi Jake,

My partner and I have been together for a while, and we used to have great sex. I’m a bottom, and he’s always been more of a top, so things worked well for a long time. I know it’s normal for intensity to cool over time, but now he’s dealing with erectile dysfunction, and penetration just isn’t happening anymore. I love him, and I’m supporting him as he tries different things to feel like himself again.

But in the meantime, I’m struggling. We don’t have (or want) an open relationship, so that’s not really an option. It’s not resentment. It’s more that I’ve been swallowing my own needs and fantasies because he’s not able to fulfill them right now.

Lately, I’ve been wondering if maybe I’d like him to use a toy on me. I feel like it could be a way to still get the pleasure I enjoy while also regaining some of the intimacy and closeness we’ve lost.

How about we take this to the next level?

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The problem is, I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I’m worried he’ll either laugh it off or take it as proof that he’s “failing” me and shut down even more. I can see how hard this has been on his confidence, and the last thing I want is to add to that.

So how do I suggest bringing a toy into our bedroom without making him feel inadequate or feeling embarrassed about wanting it in the first place?

Toying With The Idea

Dear Toying with The Idea,

It’s completely normal for sex to change over the course of a long relationship. Bodies shift, stress shows up, health issues happen—every couple goes through stretches where the physical side of things gets trickier. The way you’re standing by your husband while he works through his end of this says a lot about your love for him.

But your experience matters too. If you keep pushing down your own wants to avoid rocking the boat, that doesn’t actually protect the relationship; it just buries the problem until it shows up later as distance, resentment, or even betrayal.

We all have our own turn-ons and needs, and part of intimacy is being able to say them out loud. If it feels embarrassing, that’s often old shame talking—especially for gay men who grew up hearing that our desires were “too much.” Naming what you want isn’t betraying your husband; it’s letting him see the real you so you can stay close.

It’s also important to remember that avoiding something just to protect your partner’s feelings doesn’t actually make the relationship healthier. When you hold back a real need in order to spare him discomfort, you’re not just denying something in yourself—you’re denying something in the relationship, too. And that kind of silence can feel just as painful as the issue you’re trying to tiptoe around. Your husband may actually want to know how he can still show up for you. In fact, giving him a way to participate—to still be part of your pleasure and your intimacy—might help him feel less sidelined by what his body is doing right now. Most people would rather have a clear path to connection than realize later that their partner has been quietly going without.

When you do bring this up, keep it about the two of you trying something new together—not about “fixing” anything he’s dealing with. You could say something like, “I really love messing around with you, even if things look a little different these days. And I’ve been curious if there are other ways we could keep things fun while you’re sorting out the health stuff.”

Then you can ease into the idea itself. Try something as simple as, “I’ve been thinking it might be fun for us to try a toy together sometime. It feels a little exciting and different, and I’d love to explore it with you if you’re open to it.”

The point is to keep it about intimacy, curiosity, and shared experience—not performance. You’re inviting him in, not pointing out what’s missing.

At the end of the day, this is just the starting point for a conversation—one where you both get to say what you want, what you’re curious about, and what feels good for your relationship right now. Nothing has to be decided in one talk. You’ll figure out the next steps together, the same way you’ve handled everything else: with honesty, care, and a little humor. And who knows… this might open up a fun new chapter.

You know what they say about boys and their toys.

Ask Jake is Queerty’s advice column by editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. Got a question? Email jakemyers@queerty.com—or connect more deeply through his LGBTQ+ therapy platform. Check us out on insta!

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