My straight dormmate started being super friendly after I came out. Does that mean what I think it does?

Hi Jake,

I came out to my straight dormmate last month after getting back from break and ever since something feels… different. He’s become noticeably nicer. Like, he checks in on me, asks how my day was, and seems as if he wants to hang out more. Sometimes, he’ll literally just come into my room, sit on the bed, and be super friendly and chatty. He wasn’t lingering like this before.

Is he just trying to be supportive? Or is there a chance he’s not as straight as I thought? It’s not necessarily “flirting.” Just very engaged and attentive.

Here’s the part that makes me crazy. He’s super hot and I already had a crush on him before I came out… so now my brain is running wild. That said, I don’t want to misread kindness as something more than it is and make things awkward, especially since we share a room together. But, I also don’t want to ignore a possibility if it’s actually there.

How about we take this to the next level?

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How do you tell the difference between genuine support and something else? And what should I do or say to find out, without blowing up our friendship, and more importantly, our ability to be roommates?

Overthinking in the Next Bunk

Dear Overthinking in the Next Bunk,

First, congrats on having the courage to share your truth. Coming out to the people in our lives is no small feat, and it can be especially challenging when it involves someone you share your space with.

When you live with someone, revealing something that might alter the relationship can have real consequences. If it goes badly, you can’t just create distance or set clean boundaries, because you’re often literally in the same room. If someone responds with negativity or hostility, it can taint your home, which should be a place of comfort and safety. At the very least, everyday interactions can suddenly feel awkward.

In your case, though, I’m glad it went well. Pretending to be someone you’re not is exhausting, and thankfully, that weight has now been lifted. When we begin to show up more authentically, the dynamic often shifts toward ease, because we’re no longer hyper-vigilant about everything we say and do. That’s a relief not only for you, but for those around you.

So the question is, could this simply be a case of “thank god the cat is out of the bag, and we can all relax”? Or is there something more going on?

On the one hand, your dormmate might just be trying to show you he’s supportive…and going a little overboard in the process. As a straight person, he may be aware that people like him haven’t always been safe or affirming, and he doesn’t want to be lumped into that category. When someone feels a strong desire to prove their acceptance, they can overcorrect. They lean in harder than necessary, making sure you feel comfortable and seen. That extra attentiveness isn’t necessarily about attraction; it’s often reassurance.

And yes, it’s also possible that your coming out stirred something in him. Sexuality journeys are personal and don’t all unfold at the same pace. He may relate more than he’s ready to admit. Or, as your fantasy suggests, he’s been attracted to you and now feels a green light to show it.

But here’s the part I want to gently emphasize: possibility is not the same thing as probability. When we already have a crush, our brains are very good at filling in hopeful blanks. Before you interpret his behavior as meaning more than it does, look at the evidence. Is he doing anything that clearly crosses from supportive to flirtatious? Or is he simply being present and engaged?

If you aren’t sure, you may want to wait and see if his behavior settles. Sometimes the intensity fades once the newness of the disclosure wears off. If it doesn’t, it’s fair to name what you’ve noticed. You might say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been really thoughtful since I came out. I appreciate it. How has it been for you?” That keeps the conversation open without projecting anything onto him.

If he admits he was just trying his best to prove he’s accepting, you can thank him — and let him know he can relax. You said you’re gay, not that you won the Nobel Peace Prize. If it’s something more, you’ll find out. But don’t try to turn a roommate into a relationship overnight. Most relationships build toward living together…they don’t begin there. Protect your peace first.

Ask Jake is Queerty’s advice column by editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. Got a question? Email jakemyers@queerty.com—or connect more deeply through his LGBTQ+ therapy platform. 

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