I found my husband’s secret social media account, and I’m shocked at what he’s up to

Hi Jake,

I’m usually not the “jealous hubby” type, so rarely do I go into my husband’s phone, ask to see his browser history, or do any of those invasive things untrusting couples do. That said, a week ago I stumbled across something I can’t unsee.

My husband left his phone in my office when I was on a work call and when it started making all of these annoying loud chimes I went over to mute it. When I looked at the home screen, I saw that the chimes were notifications coming in for a social media profile I had never seen before. The profile handle was sexual in nature and when I dug deeper (yes, I have my ways), I realized pretty quickly that it was in fact a secret account he had created. Even though the account doesn’t have any posts on the feed (only a profile photo of my husband’s torso), I’m pretty alarmed at what he’s been up to.

It turns out that he’s been using the account to anonymously comment on various friends’ of ours photos and posts, especially those that are thirst traps or sexier in nature. I mean, I knew he had crushes on some of our friends and mutual acquaintances, but these comments are really forward and borderline perverted. He literally commented on how “juicy” the bulge looks in the Speedo our friend is wearing and described how he wanted to nuzzle his face between the buttocks of another friend. A few of the conversations even made their way into his DMs.

It’s especially shocking to me because it’s really out of character for him, as he’s normally so reserved and quiet in our friend group. I can’t decide how to handle this, because I don’t think he’s physically cheating on me or anything. I think he just has this sex-crazed online alter-ego.

What should I do???

Startled Seeker

Dear Startled Seeker,

There’s an old saying that goes, “Those who seek shall find.”

If we choose to uncover more about someone’s private life, we have to be prepared for what might be revealed. Even our own partner may have secrets, and in your case, your very own Clark Kent seems to be harboring an incognito superpower capable of sexually objectifying a guy in 30-seconds or less.

Once the initial shock of your discovery wears off, you’ll want to do some self-examination about what your feelings are around what your husband is up to. If you think it’s weird, but it’s really not bothering you or affecting how you feel about him, you may decide to let it go–and think twice the next time you go digging!

On the other hand, you may feel anger, embarrassment, or even disgust about what he’s doing, and that’s going to affect your relationship, no matter how much you try to compartmentalize it. If this is the case, you’ll need to talk to him about what you found.

Yes, that includes owning up to your breach of his privacy, which is a whole separate issue you’ll need to unpack, but you’ll also be making space for your feelings about his behaviors, and how his secret online life is affecting you.

Are you feeling jealousy or betrayal that he’s lusting after other people, or are you simply uncomfortable because these are your mutual friends, and it feels like a boundary crossing? Does it make you feel uneasy to now be left holding his dirty little secret from your acquaintances?

The important thing here is to communicate your thoughts and feelings, while also trying not to shame your husband for his actions. Clearly, there’s some part of himself that gets off on what he’s doing, and that may not be his fault. Perhaps he grew up with a lot of repression and guilt about his sexuality, and this is the way that he expresses the hidden parts of himself. By making a safe, non-judgmental space for him to talk about his secret, you might begin understand his motivations, which can foster intimacy in your relationship.

At the end of the day, if you both feel seen and heard, you can respectfully negotiate how to move forward. If it’s important for you that he close down the secret account, express that. Perhaps there’s even some way to allow him his little perversions without hiding them from you. After all, didn’t you kiiiind of have the same thought about that Speedo pic?

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email jakemyers@queerty.com for consideration.