I’m in an open marriage but I feel the need to hide my wedding ring when I’m with other guys. Is that wrong?

Hi Jake,

My husband and I opened up our relationship about five months ago. It’s brand new territory for me, so I’m still figuring some things out. Here’s my question… If I’m out and about and looking for a hookup, should I take off my wedding ring? It seems like it could be a deterrent for some guys. On the other hand, if I take it off, it feels like I’m hiding something, or even disrespecting my husband somehow. How should I handle this?

Ring-ing the Alarm

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Dear Ring-ing the Alarm,

Having a loving marriage, but still hooking up with other people on occasion, might sound strange to some (read: heteros), but for many gay couples, it’s perfectly normal.

Usually, when you see a straight person wearing a wedding ring, it’s assumed they’re off limits, especially in the bedroom. But in a gay relationship, there’s often more flexibility, and demonstrating a strong commitment to another person might have nothing to do with how a couple gets their needs met sexually.

Sure, wearing a band on your ring finger at a gay resort, queer event, or even at the gym might signify, “I’m not open for dating or a romantic relationship,” but it certainly doesn’t always say, “I’m not open for some sexy time.”

If couples are open and honest with each other, and in full agreement about the rules of their relationship, then there’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s perfectly okay to keep your ring on while hitting on another guy at a party.

That said, if you really feel it’s a hindrance (which it shouldn’t be if someone’s looking to just hookup, and not necessarily looking for a boyfriend or romance), it’s your right to take the ring off, but I might suggest talking to your husband about that first. If you’re doing it secretly, you may have some guilty feelings about it, or feel like you’re hiding something. Being inauthentic never feels good.

As queer people, we get to define what marriage means to us, just as we get to determine the significance of our traditions, including wearing a ring. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide when to take yours off, but I’d suggest presenting yourself as authentically as you can. If you mislead someone who was interested in more than just sex, that might end up being a problem.

Being real about who you are…now that just rings true.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email jakemyers@queerty.com, or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.