I’m only attracted to guys who look just like me. Am I a total narcissist?

Hi Jake,

I’ve been noticing lately that I only seem to be attracted to other guys who look, well, like me. I guess I just prefer the same type of guy that I am — tall, white, reddish-brown hair, a little scruff on the face, average build. It’s not necessarily a problem for me; it’s just something I noticed, and I started wondering where that comes from.

I know people talk about “boyfriend twins,” but what causes that phenomenon? And should I be concerned about it? Part of me wonders if I’m just a total narcissist. Or is it that I’ve spent my whole life looking at myself in the mirror, trying to look a certain way that’s attractive, and since I like men, it’s just what my brain finds familiar and handsome?

Should I try to break out of this pattern and go for a totally different type? If I do, I feel like I might just end up disappointed.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Mirror Image

Dear Mirror Image,

Yes — the phenomenon of “boyfriend twins” is very much a real thing. Gay culture has been clocking this for decades. We’ve all seen couples who look like doppelgängers — same haircut, same beard, same glasses, even the same body type. Sometimes, when scrolling on Insta, you genuinely have to stop and squint for a second to figure out who’s who.

Whether it’s the couple you see every week at the gym, or entire corners of the internet devoted to the idea (there’s even a hugely popular Boyfriend Twins Tumblr page), the concept of gay men dating their near doubles is familiar enough that we’ve given it a name. Which tells you something right there: you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not the first person to notice it.

So why does this happen? There are a few theories, and none of them are particularly sinister. One is simple familiarity: we tend to be drawn to what feels known and legible to us. The face you’ve spent the most time looking at in your life is your own, and the version of yourself you’ve worked to feel good in — the hair, the facial hair, the way you present — often becomes a kind of internal template for what your brain registers as attractive.

Another theory has to do with safety and ease. Someone who looks like you can feel, on some unconscious level, like they’ll “get” you — move through the world in a similar way, want similar things, belong to the same social ecosystem. That doesn’t mean you’re incapable of being attracted to difference; it just means sameness can feel comfortable, efficient, and reassuring.

As for whether this is a problem — or a sign that you’re a narcissist — the short answer is no. Narcissism isn’t about having a type, or even liking what you see when you look in the mirror. It’s about a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, and difficulty seeing other people as fully separate from yourself. None of that shows up in what you’re describing. If anything, the fact that you’re questioning it at all suggests the opposite. Having a pattern of attraction doesn’t mean you’re self-obsessed; it usually just means your desire has a shape to it. Most people’s does, even if they pretend otherwise.

So should you try to break out of this pattern? Only if it genuinely feels limiting, not because you think you should. It’s not exactly fulfilling to date someone you aren’t attracted to, so there’s no need to prove to yourself you’re “evolved.” At the same time, it can be worth paying attention to how quickly you write certain people off — not to override your attraction, but to notice whether you’re seeking familiarity and comfort more than following curiosity. Sometimes expanding your type doesn’t come from deciding to date “the opposite,” but from staying present long enough for attraction to have a chance to grow where it normally wouldn’t.

At the end of the day, liking people who resemble you probably says less about ego and more about having a decent relationship with yourself. And honestly, that’s not the worst starting point. Plenty of people spend years dating versions of their unresolved issues. You’re at least dating someone you already find attractive. If that shifts over time, great. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Attraction isn’t a moral test — it’s just information. And yours happens to be pointing you toward the mirror right now.

Ask Jake is Queerty’s advice column by editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. Got a question? Email jakemyers@queerty.com—or connect more deeply through his LGBTQ+ therapy platform. Check us out on insta!

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