‘Heated Rivalry’ gets hockey hook-up culture right but not the homophobia, gay referee says

Stephen Finkel was officiating a tense college hockey game in February between Bentley University and Farmingdale State College when he heard the gay slur loud and clear.

“Well, you’re a f*cking f*ggot, so why don’t you suck my d*ck!” a Farmingdale player yelled to a Bentley player, a slur heard by Finkel and his fellow referee. A major penalty was assessed and the player was disqualified from the game and for his team’s subsequent game, as per conference rules.

For Finkel, 28, who came out as gay in 2020 while playing college hockey, the slur was depressingly routine, something he calls “the slur of choice” among hockey players. “It’s around almost every game, you hear something related [to a gay slur],” he said. “It’s almost a normality in the sport.”

The homophobia that Finkel has experienced and the slurs he still hears are elements that he says are missing from the hit hockey TV series “Heated Rivalry.” He said he wishes the series would have explored the issues more (“they danced around it,” he said), especially the mental toll it takes on players in the closet.

He acknowledges that his views stem from his own experience as a once-closeted college hockey player and with conversations with closeted hockey players, including several in the NHL, who shared their struggles after he came out in 2020. Some of these intimate conversations occurred during hook-ups, one part of hockey that Finkel said the show does get right.

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While Finkel enjoyed parts of “Heated Rivalry” — “It’s great for the sport of hockey to have that show be out there. And you know, maybe it does help a player ” — his overall disappointment led him into social media arguments with gay fans of the show who were effusive in their praise. His criticisms center on the show not delving deeply enough into the emotional and cultural challenges faced by closeted hockey players, including constant homophobic slurs and the pressure to hide their sexuality.

“My biggest issue [with the show] is that it doesn’t show the hockey culture with the stigmas, the slurs, the talks in the locker room, the shenanigans that happen between teammates, things of that nature it just didn’t portray,” he said. “And obviously, it’s a fairy tale, it’s a fantasy series, but for people to truly understand it, I think there has to be more depth.”

Gay slurs are embedded in hockey culture, says Finkel, who now works as a referee for college men’s and women’s hockey and junior hockey. It was a slur from a college teammate that led to Finkel punching him and began his coming out journey. “I got a bloody nose and almost got thrown out of school,” he said of the incident.

He theorizes that the slurs are a way for some players to mask their own insecurities. “It’s almost like I feel that those people saying those slurs are acting more tough and out of frustration, and that they’re hiding their sexuality, because when I was going through it, that was my slur of choice. It’s kind of terrible to say, but you’re trying to hide who you are.”

In “Heated Rivalry,” rival pro hockey stars Shane and Ilya have a years-long secret sexual relationship that culminates in expressions of love in the finale. The catalyst for them to come out to people around them is the on-ice kiss between Scott, a player who wins the league championship, and Kip, his boyfriend, in Episode 5.

“I feel like it portrays it way easier said than done [to come out],” Finkel said. “This show makes it look normal. It doesn’t show the mental side of what people struggle with. It doesn’t show how people lean on each other to go through something like that. It’s more of a romance story.”

Meetings with closeted hockey players

His texts, calls and discussions with closeted NHL players gave him a window into the emotions they deal with in a league that has never had an out gay player. Players reached out to him after his Outsports coming out story ran, realizing there was someone they could share their feelings with who would understand.

“It was emotional for them to even say [they were gay], because they don’t want to lose everything based on their sexuality, especially in the NHL,” Finkel said of his interactions. “They’re scared, they’re afraid, they feel like they’re misunderstood.

“For someone to be vulnerable and be able to share what you’re going through with someone that went through a similar thing, just not at as high a level, I think it’s powerful. To see some of these guys open up and break down, just shows the humanity, shows the stress, the emotional side of it, of hiding who you are because you’re afraid that you’re not going to get that next contract or that next endorsement, or be sent down [to the minors.] Now you’re out millions of dollars and I understand that.”

He hooked up with a couple of NHL players, similar to scenes he said were captured accurately in “Heated Rivalry,” where discretion was paramount and deep secrets shared.

When playing junior hockey (an amateur ice hockey level for 16- to 21-year-old players), Finkel had a regular tryst with a fellow player from another team he saw on Grindr.

“We met on the ice playing against each other in Niagara Falls, New York,” he said. “We went out and a few of the guys were at the same place, including him. We both went to the bathroom at the same time and started talking and he told me I was good looking and we started making out. That night he picked me up at the hotel and went back to his apartment.

“From there, whenever he visited me or I visited him, we’d hook up and spend the nights together. Nobody knew, it was super hush-hush. We would talk a lot about feelings we had and how we felt insecure on and off the ice, but in that time together it was really nice to know that we both were in the same boat, sexuality wise, and with the sport that we loved we weren’t sure if we came out at that time what would it mean for our careers.”

Life imitates art

Finkel realizes his views on “Heated Rivalry” put him in the minority with gay viewers, and that extends to his boyfriend, Ryan, who loved the show. It’s ironic that real-life Ryan is a barista who knew little about hockey before he met Finkel, an eerie similarity to “Heated Rivalry’s” Kip, a barista who becomes a fan of the sport after meeting Scott. After attending a few games Finkel was officiating, Ryan dubbed hockey arenas “boy aquariums.”

“We started dating before the show,” Finkel said, “and when it came out, he was like, ‘You and I are Kip, and I’m Kip and you’re Scott.’ And I’m like, ‘No, no, we’re not going there.'”

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