Hitting the bar, adopting “gay grandchildren” & scaring twinks back into their dingy hotel room: Gays dish on how they deal with ageism

There’s no universal way to combat ageism. But hopefully, the foolish twink who declares anybody over 30 to be out of his age range one day discovers the folly of his ways.

Everybody ages, and with a dismissive attitude like that, the process probably won’t be graceful!

Queerty readers, of course, have a far more nuanced view of the matter. Many say they simply let insults or slights fly off their seasoned backs. They’ve experienced way too much in life to let an irritating kid on the apps ruin their night.

Others contest they haven’t experienced ageism at all, and why would they? They’re better now than ever!

How about we take this to the next level?

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Still, some respondents talked about how difficult it is to be seen through rather than looked at. There’s no reason for meanness, especially in gay spaces. It’s mystifying why some younger gays have such a hard time simply saying “hello.”

This week, we asked Queerty readers about their run-ins with ageism in the gay community. Here’s what they had to say…

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Of course. I consider it my super power of invisibility. If I notice I just brush it off, buy another drink and think to myself, “You can only hope you preserve this well.” — Drew in West Hollywood

We love that attitude, Drew! Now, we just need to see a pic for proof. ????

The human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25! They are similar to a honey badger, famous for attacking. They attack animals many times their size, including lions, leopards and venomous cobras. — John in Chicago

Ages 18-25 can be the most beautiful, the most sexual — unfortunately they speak. — Stan in Chicago

Wise words from John and Stan in Chicago. Oftentimes, twinks are best enjoyed in silence.

While vacationing in Provincetown a gaggle of twinks commented on my husband and I being an older couple. I said, “Children, when you can afford to stay in the Brass Key and not five to a room to save money you have the right to talk. Grow the F up, show respect and hope you can live long enough to be walking down the street and holding with your husband of 25 years!“ Two of them apologized and dragged the others away. — Liam in Pennsylvania

Speaking of which, it sounds like Liam put that gaggle of twinks in their place. Hopefully they walked back to their shared hotel room with their heads low and their morale busted.

Of course. I live in the U.S., where agism is a time-honored tradition; and my experience of gay males in the U.S. is that they are as cliquish as high school kids are. Gay male culture is extremely toxic with respect to aging and becoming less “attractive” over time, at least in my experience. — James in Baltimore, Maryland (he says he experienced the most ageism living in L.A… when he was 36)

We’re living for James’ ellipsis. Hopefully in Baltimore he’s found some nicer gays.

I started to experience ageism when guys 10 or 15 years older than me said I was too old for them, since they were looking for guys 10 years younger than me. Usually I didn’t respond anything, but if I felt sassy enough, then I would say something like, “Or you could just say I’m too ugly. I’m well aware of that and that’s why I’m hitting on you!” — Pete in France

That’s certainly a, umm, unique pickup line. If Pete is hitting on guys with that, he’s destined to be remembered.

I am 80. I have many young gay friends whom I call my gay grandchildren. I left NYC when I was 40 so I wouldn’t end up chasing boys for the rest of my life. It is not ageism for young people to only want young people and to hang out with young people. — John in Montana

We appreciate John’s perspective. He’s correct: it isn’t ageism for young people to yearn for other young people. But what we’re calling out is unnecessary rudeness. We trust that John’s gay grandchildren are as sweet as him!

Yes. It mostly happens when standing in front of a bartender and not being able to get a drink because anyone younger who approaches after me gets served first. I feel “looked through versus looked at.” — Stephen in Atlanta

That’s a poignant line, Stephen. We hope you get that drink soon…

Rarely.  And it happened more in my 30s and 40s. I’m now in my mid-60s. More often than not, I get positive “hot daddy” comments from younger people. If I do get rejected by younger people on the apps, they’re usually polite and friendly. I don’t get the bitchy ageism that I remember when I first aged out of whatever I was in my 20s. I think I was just fortunate enough to age into a look that’s particularly in demand right now.  Lucky me. — Arthur in Connecticut

Arthur brings up an interesting point. Perhaps men in their middle age experience ageism at a higher rate than the more mature crowd. As Arthur mentioned, it probably helps that he’s aged into a look that’s “in demand right now.” Much like with “Drew in West Hollywood,” we’re requesting a pic. ????

I was hanging out in Sniffies minding my own business when I got a message from someone saying “kill yourself old man.” I respect that Sniffies is mostly younger guys looking for someone around their own age ( I’m 63 ). I just hang out and let guys approach me if they’re interested. I ignored and blocked him. — James in Boston

“Hanging out in Sniffies?!” Say no more, James…

I’m getting there. At 45 years old, my age is starting to show. But hey, who knows better than myself the assurance I have and own. I just go out to enjoy myself, not to please, and who ever will take me for what I’m becoming, they’ll be part of the fun, too. — RB in Dallas, Texas

I am 61 years old. We experience ageism every day in and out of the gay community. Online on dating and hookup apps. Kids that think older is decrepit. 40 year olds making jokes about, “Now they understand what I meant 20 years ago when I was tired and everything hurt at 40. Imagine now at 60. Respond with love and an open heart and remember the days when we thought 30 year olds were hot older guys, lol. It happens. Fast. — Phillip in Seattle

We close with two guys who have the right attitude. Encountering ageism may be inevitable. But it’s easier to brush off if you’re confident in yourself. Daddies of all stripes, consider this your call!

What are they saying on Instagram?

I went to see this incredible trans drag queen. Afterwards, she came up to me and said how happy she was to see a queer elder out in the community! I said, “Thank you, as sometimes I feel out of place in these spaces being old. What she said to me stuck with me forever. She said: “Your dues are paid in full. Every space you walk into is yours!” I’ll take those words everywhere I go now and want my fellow queer elders to do the same. — Bear Nick

At 64 I get waaaaaay more attention than I did as a younger man. Some of it is my appearance (no, I am not jacked), but I think most of it is my self-assurance and self-acceptance. — @nauchtsoul

A 70-year-old man called me an old fart, because he’s only interested in guys under 23. I told him that if I’m an old fart, he must be a vintage classic fart. — @ulalume2008

Yes. Just last night. I smiled and giggled. I’m 42, I’ve been through hell and back to earn this version of myself, these kids will get it later. You just got to let it roll off your back, which is what we should do in all situations where the offender has no seat at your table. — @heystrokeguy

I’m 69. Last night, I put on my vest, shorts, boots and hit the bar. Met two great guys. One younger, one my age. Making plans. I feel 40 again. Quit whining. Get out there! — @roberthparman

I’m 58 and I usually go out just for a drink or two. I try and say hi to people just to be friendly. The last few times I’ve said hello, I’ve received responses like “don’t even try you’re too old” or “isn’t it past your bedtime old man?” I don’t try anymore. To hell with them. — @fkconfused1

As a gay senior I feel practically ignored and often think back to my younger days. Very few bars cater to the older crowd as well. — @KerryBoberry

I go out alone with the goal of taking in the vibe and the music and not caring about being invisible to most. At times I feel like a ghost. I can’t explain why, but sometimes I take a weird pleasure in seeing without being seen. Maybe there’s something liberating in figuring out that my own fun doesn’t depend on the attention of others. — @starman.mark

Ageism goes both ways. Many older gay men say they become invisible as they age, yet when someone like me—a 52-year-old man who is only interested in guy my ages or older —tries to make friends or connect with other older gay men, I’m often ignored because they’re still only interested in younger men. If we want to challenge ageism, we have to recognize it in every direction. — @saulacv2

I remember moving to San Francisco in 1977 right out of college. I remember meeting someone who was 26, I was surprised how good he looked for being 26. At the time, I thought you might as well be dead at 35. One day at the Midnight Sun when it was still on Castro Street I meet this guy, who was very handsome. He was 33. I was shocked, and I was also a stupid. My father remarried after my mother died. He was 78 and his new bride was 88. My father loved interesting women. I met my husband when he was 31 and I was 38. I’ve never experienced ageism in the gay community, probably because of my long-term relationship. However ,  was once stupid to believe someone who was 26 was old. Good grief. —@alanlyonsphotography

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