JD Vance’s ranch-covered escapades just earned him the roasting of a lifetime from Padma Lakshmi
"There's so many reasons to hate JD Vance," Lakshmi says, "I didn't think we needed a culinary one."
Mark
Considering how inept he is at doing his job, no one expected great things from JD Vance in the kitchen. Lest we forget, this is the man who reportedly brought an entire plane of food to Italy, because God forbid he go without his beloved Totino’s pizza rolls for a full week.
But in a recent Fox News interview with fellow disgrace Lara Tr*mp, Vance put his pathetic cooking skills on display for the entire nation. The entire nation responded by reaching for the Pepto Bismol.
Lara Tr*mp starts the stomach-churning interview by quoting Vance’s wife Usha, who said that before their marriage, JD was not very handy in the kitchen. Apparently nothing has changed, because the man is still a walking e.coli outbreak waiting to happen.
Tr*mp reminds us that Usha, who is a vegetarian, was the sad recipient of a meal Vance described as a “rolled-out crescent roll” with vegetables and ranch dressing on top. He put it in the oven for 30 minutes and let Jesus take the wheel.
How about we take this to the next level?
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But as with most everything Vance does, Jesus was unable to cosign this culinary adventure.
The Daily Show went to town on Vance this weekend after learning about this dish from hell, and they brought on none other than Top Chef genius and possible sapphic icon Padma Lakshmi to give him the roasting he deserves—and is clearly uncapable of performing in the kitchen.
“There’s so many reasons to hate JD Vance,” Lakshmi says, “I didn’t think we needed a culinary one.”
We didn’t, but he gave us one anyway. Lakshmi points out the added crime of serving this soggy, Hidden Valley-soaked dish to an Indian woman, who comes from a “deep, vast, culinary tradition” of making food taste as delicious as it possibly can—especially vegan and vegetarian dishes.
“He’s like, ‘she’s a vegetarian, she only eats bread, vegetables, and dairy.’ You’ve been married to this person for over a decade. And [vegetarians] eat lots of things, right? Rice, lentils, beans, squash…”
It’s definitely a clueless person who assumes that vegetarians can only eat ranch-covered bread, and Vance is just about as sad as they come. And as for Usha, she’s definitely forfeited her right to a delicious dinner by marrying that man.
“Maybe he knows what she likes,” Lakshmi says, “because she doesn’t have good taste.”
Understatement of the century! Lakshmi, queen that she is, said that she “would not have let [a partner] back into [her] bed” if they had cooked that dish for her, and that is absolutely the correct take. It’s one thing for a romantic partner to be honest about their culinary shortcomings. It’s another to piss all over your taste buds by serving whatever the hell Vance cooked up.
Obviously everyone in the comments remains obsessed with Lakshmi’s sharp critique of the Vance marriage. “THIS ROAST!! EXTRA CRISPY!” wrote fellow celebrity chef (and Lakshmi’s bestie) Melissa King.
“Just when I thought I couldn’t be any more obsessed with Padma!” another commented gushed.
“Oh Padma Lakshmi knows how to ROAST” wrote gay comedian Guy Branum. She certainly does. Zero soggy bottoms (or crescent rolls) allowed in Padma’s kitchen!
We’re all sending our thoughts and prayers to the extra-crispy, flavorless, dried-up husk that JD Vance undoubtedly is after this epic roasting. Not even a plane of ranch dressing can help him now!
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