What’s the best way to politely turn someone down who tries to chat you up in a bar?

With so much discussion about dating app etiquette and online hookups, it’s easy to forget that there are other ways to meet.

This includes the old-fashioned route: In a gay bar.

However, what if you’re not interested in someone’s advances? It might be easy to ignore a message online, but how do you rebuff someone in real life?

How about we take this to the next level?

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It might seem an unnecessary question, but given the rise in online dating, there’s potentially a growing number of queer men who have never faced this problem.

Combine that with the fact that some of us are loath to upset others, and it can leave many ill-equipped in such social situations.

A recent post on Reddit touched on this very issue.

A man in his late 30s, posting on the AskGayMenOver30 subreddit, explained how he’d recently left a 12-year relationship. He has subsequently started going out to bars more often.

“I’m very shy until I get to know someone, a people pleaser, and have a hard time saying ‘no’,” he said. “This past weekend, a couple of guys approached me (separate times), but they were not my type and we carried on conversing longer than I wanted.

“So, what’s your response to guys who approach you that are obviously interested in more than friendship, but you don’t share the same interests? Also, how long do you engage in conversation with those people before making that clear?”

Mingle in the other direction

The most liked suggestion was: “Nice meeting you! Gonna go do some more mingling.”

Other users said they liked this as it came across as friendly, assertive and not dishonest.

Another said, “You’re just gonna have to get over the awkwardness and excuse yourself to find your friends or something. No need to lie or make up an excuse.”

Others urged the original poster not to feel guilty about prioritizing his own desires and needs. Some suggested he practiced what to say in the mirror before going out. This might make it easier to have the right words to hand.

“Nobody likes rejection, but it’s far better to be told ‘not interested’ instead of wasting time chatting up someone when there’s no chance,” said a man in his late 50s, before suggesting: “‘You seem like a nice guy and I don’t wanna waste your time. You’re not gonna score with me tonight.’ If they ask why, just tell them they’re not your type. If they can’t take ‘no’ for an answer, stand up and go to the bar.”

And if they follow you, “tell the bartender this guy won’t leave you alone. But the vast majority of guys will accept what you say and move on.”

“‘No’ is a complete sentence in itself”

Queerty reached out to some experts for their advice on the issue.

John Sovec is a therapist and coach in Pasadena, CA. He’s also the author of Out: A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Their LGBTQ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond.

“First off, a firm, clear NO is a complete sentence in itself,” Sevac says. “Even if it is the hottest guy in the bar but you aren’t interested, it is okay to simply say ‘no’ without feeling you need to explain or excuse yourself,” he says.

“If that feels a little too direct for you, you can always use the appreciation approach, such as ‘you’re so sweet but I think I’m going to pass’ or ‘I really appreciate you coming over here and I am going to have to say no.’ These add a little softness to the rejection and can let the person down easily. Remember, they may have been building up their nerve all night and it takes a lot of moxy to be the person who does the asking.”

Use humor

Canada-based Tim Lagman is a resident sex educator at pjur.

“Humor can help make a tense situation more light-hearted,” Lagman suggests. “‘My social battery is on airplane mode’ or ‘I promised my parents to be a good boy tonight’ are funny ways to politely turn someone down. A small lie like ‘My husband wouldn’t like that’ can be valid. For many people, especially queer women and trans folks, this can feel like the safest and fastest exit.

“In queer spaces especially, kindness matters because chances are you’ll see this person again,” Lagman continues. “Queer communities can sometimes feel small, which creates pressure to be ‘nice’ in ways that override your own comfort. But attraction isn’t a charity project. You can be respectful without forcing yourself into a conversation you don’t want. Protecting your boundaries is part of maintaining healthy queer spaces. Reject the behavior, not the person.”

“I’d like to be alone”

Doriel Jacov is a licensed psychotherapist based in New York City. He added some suggestions to those wishing to extricate themselves from conversations that carry on too long.

“’Thanks for coming over, but I’m not interested in anything more. I’d like to be alone’, and ‘Thanks for coming over, but this isn’t the right fit for me, and I’d like to be alone.’

“In therapy, we often talk about how being polite and direct is an act of kindness toward yourself and the person you’re speaking to,” Jacob adds. “Sacrificing your boundaries often leads to resentment and feelings of self-betrayal. If someone continues pushing after you say no, it’s appropriate to be more firm and direct and remove yourself from the situation.”

Do you have any further advice? Let us know in the comments below.

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