How ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ can save the MLB playoffs from terrible American League teams

Welcome back to Talkin’ Gaysball where our favorite drag queen will be the one who finally brings Harry Caray to Snatch Game…

Rob Manfred has had precisely one good idea in his life and that was deciding to quit his job in 2029.

Other than that, from bringing back the miserable tradition of locking out the players union to the repugnant extra innings ghost runner, Manfred’s commissionership has been a Ripkenesque consecutive days streak of fails and unnecessarily meddling.

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You almost have to admire his day-in day-out commitment to loathing the sport he governs.

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Like so much of what he’s done while in office, Manfred’s decision to expand the playoffs to six teams in each league sacrificed part of what has made baseball special in favor of money-making gimmickry.

The point of a 162-game grind of a regular season is that making the playoffs should be an epic accomplishment.

But during a year in which the entire American League is performing as a doddering metaphor for the country after which it is named, Manfred’s postseason is currently set to feature both the undistinguished Guardians and the miraculously mediocre White Sox (complimentary), who currently sit at an uninspiring six and four games above .500, respectively.

That’s before we get to the humiliating AL West, where Texas is currently staving off Houston to laughably reside on top with a 78-78 record. At this point, the Rangers are so committed to their fight against Pride that they’ve even eradicated it from the concept of sitting in first place.

Half of the AL playoff picture is going to be comprised of teams whose season boiled down to failing in the proper geographic region. And one of them is going to be rewarded with a first-round bye!

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to see if there’s a way that MLB could work its way out of the embarrassment of a .500 or worse team making the postseason for the first time in baseball history. Fortunately, this is yet another instance where “RuPaul’s Drag Race” rides to our rescue.

MLB needs to institute a double sashay.

All season long, I have watched American League baseball with Ru’s “root canal or Farrah Moan roast” forced smile. With the exception of the force of nature that is Yordan Álvarez, the Astros and Rangers in particular have been the hardball equivalent of lip syncing “Oops!…I Did It Again” as if it were an actuarial table.

Instead of forcing us all to endure one of those abominations erode the definition of “division champion” on the field or to wince in horror at them sullying October baseball, there is a better alternative.

Summon both teams to MLB headquarters. Have them listen as the judges inform them, “I’m sorry, my dears, neither one of you showed me the fire it takes to stay. I must ask you both…to sashay away.”

Bonus points if that line is delivered by Bob Costas.

I know this would go against baseball tradition. But so did the pitch clock (OK, I’ll give Manfred that one) and its ability to condense time of game has proven to be immensely popular.

Think of the double sashay as a pitch clock for the entire season.

Plus: how satisfying would it be to watch antigay Rangers ownership trudge off as the “Drag Race” failure music plays in the background?

The double sashay will save us all a lot of time and aggravation. If Manfred is still resistant to the idea, just inform him that it would also mean he’ll have to watch less baseball and he’ll get on board immediately.

MLB’s postseason will be improved immeasurably without the Rangers or Astros at all. With that in mind, this particular double sashay is going to be the league’s most popular and satisfying elimination until the one coming in two years for Manfred himself.

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