My nephew is obsessed with Ariana Grande. Does that mean he’s gay? How can I support him?

Hi Jake,

I’m pretty sure my nephew is gay even though he’s never said anything. It’s not like I have explicit evidence, but I’ve always been super close to him, and an aunt knows her nephew.

Looking back, I think the signs were always there. He never really fit in with the other boys at school, and certainly wasn’t the jock his dad wanted him to be. He gravitated towards girlfriends (platonic), and has always been a little reserved.

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He’s about to enter high school in the fall and I can tell something’s changed. He’s distanced himself from the family and seems to have turned even more inward. He used to share everything with me, but now he has a whole private world.

On top of that, some of the things he’s into lately seem like they might align with my theory. He’s obsessed with Ariana Grande, which I’m pretty sure isn’t a straight guy thing, right? (Please forgive me if this is my own bias.) I also saw that he follows some LGBTQ influencers and drag performers on social media.

The point is, I’m on 100% on his side, and I really want him to know that. I’ve always considered myself an ally, and it would make me so happy if he felt comfortable enough to share his truth with me. My concern, however, is that he might not be ready to talk about it. If I bring it up, it might embarrass him, or worse, make him distance from me even more.

How do I convey my support, without pushing him to reveal something prematurely?

Allied Auntie

Dear Allied Auntie,

Sure, plenty of gay guys are drawn to our beloved pop divas, but jamming out to Ariana Grande doesn’t necessarily mean a person is queer. I’ve seen plenty of straight guys mouthing the words to “Thank U, Next” as they lift with their buds at the gym.

That said, it sounds like your “gay-dar” might be going off when it comes to your nephew. And you might be right. But you also might be wrong.

Coming out can be difficult. One of the most important things you can do to help at this moment is showing your nephew unconditional love. If he is gay, and ultimately decides to tell you, your support will not only be helpful, but essential.

While I feel your pain in losing the tightness with him, and understand the urgency in wanting him to know you’re there for him, coming to terms with one’s sexuality is a very personal process. Every queer person that comes out has their own timeline, and their own individualized journey.

Even if he were to know you’re accepting, it doesn’t mean he’s fully accepted himself yet. In fact, bringing it up the “g-word” before he’s ready might make him feel shame or embarrassment, or hide from you even more.

Instead, I’d simply try to express that you miss the closeness in your relationship, and that you’re 100% there for him should he ever be struggling with anything. Let him know that nothing is off-limits, and you’ll always be there there for him to confide in, without fear of judgement. The goal here is to allow him the space to come to you, not for you to move towards him.

It sounds like you’re the “cool aunt”, so he probably already knows on some level you’re accepting of LGBTQ+ folks. It’s more about him being ready, and working up the courage to be open about it.

Be as open and curious as possible, and take his lead on how to act around him. If and when he comes out, he might not want to scream it from the rooftops, or march in the next Pride parade, and that’s okay.

No matter what your nephew is dealing with, I hope he can eventually feel safe enough to come to you with it, and get the support he needs. With any luck, you’ll be sitting together at the Wicked movie this fall, with “no tears left to cry.”

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email jakemyers@queerty.com for consideration.