How to talk your partner into an open vacation relationship

Your vacation plans are set. You’re flying with your other half to an exotic location, a buzzy metropolis, or backpacking through a so-far undiscovered country. Sharing art, culture, and natural beauty with your partner awaits.

And you think to yourself: it might also be fun to explore something else.

You’re down for an up-close and personal look at the locals, along with the museums, poolside cocktails, scenic hikes, and couples’ massages.

Pack your bags, we’re going on an adventure

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But traveling comes with unique commitments that can complicate hook-ups: long-scheduled vacation plans and maybe even your relationship are at stake when the pressure to have the “perfect getaway” is looming.

So, how do you talk your partner into an open vacation relationship?

1. Check yourself before you wreck your relationship

Before you bring up your “open” idea with your partner, ask yourself exactly why you’re looking for a vacation hall pass. Does the idea of hitting it with a stranger in another country excite you? Will you feel deprived of a memorable adventure if you don’t get some on your trip? Does traveling turn you on?

Knowing your motivations for getting the d on the road will help guide your conversation.

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2. Pick your moment

Don’t spring your open road idea at an inopportune time, like after he’s had a bad day at work or when you’re fumbling for your passports at the airport gate. And 100%, not by text.

This chat needs to happen with respect, phones down, and well before your departure date. Broach the subject over a nice dinner you whipped up and served while you’re not watching TV, like every other meal. This approximates dining on vacation in an actual restaurant, without the potential scene it could provoke in front of strangers.

3. Use “Us” language, not “Me” language

Frame your pitch in the context of togetherness and as an invitation, not a demand.

Instead of “I want to hook up with hot guys in Barcelona,” ask your partner, “Do you think it would be fun—or maybe freeing—if we had some flexibility on this trip to explore, separately or together?”  

This approach will have him asking the question of himself, just like you did, and set you on a level playing field. Demanding anything of your partner is a buzzkill, from emptying the trash to losing weight. Please don’t make the same mistake when fulfilling your vacation fantasy.

4. Have some examples ready

Neither of you is prudish, and you’ve both hit it on the side before, mostly with the other’s knowledge. Going “open” for the first time on a big trip isn’t the discussion you’re having, and would be a pretty lousy idea if you were.

But that unique pressure to have the perfect holiday can conflict with hooking up, so have some examples ready about when it works, from friends who’ve shared their overseas adventures with you or even—yes—a podcast you heard at the gym.

Seduce your partner with the idea that when you’re traveling, accepted norms don’t apply, and it can even allow you to be a different person, where social rules and judgments are out the window with your view of the pool.

5. Write your own rules together  

If you’re both still eating, your partner is likely entertaining your open vacation relationship idea.

So set some ground rules for what would make you both comfortable.

Who’s eligible to be hit on? Just locals, or other travelers you encounter? Is a bathhouse within bounds, or what about a highly recommended brothel? Do you share details of your encounters or keep them to yourself?

And is sharing a hookup in the cards for you? Clarity now saves drama later.

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6. Accept a “No” gracefully

Your partner isn’t obligated to say yes.

Maybe they want to focus on all the other pleasures traveling affords, like history, landmarks, and that 1,260-step staircase leading to the giant golden Buddha and panoramic views of Thailand. A perfect vacation can also be an escape from the pressures of getting laid.

Accept your partner’s version of your getaway gracefully. Bring yours up again if you see the glimmer of an opening, but don’t press. Your relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be other hookups and more vacations.

7. Embrace a “Yes” with respect

Your partner is down, and you’re up, up and away.

Treat one another with respect as you explore.

If you’ve made plans, from a timed entrance to the Vatican to snorkeling in the Bahamas, don’t blow your vacation itinerary by blowing the bellboy and your schedule.

Your relationship is the top priority when traveling with your partner. Missing the Sistine Chapel with him isn’t worth another notch on your belt.

8. Checking in

Keep your communication open over the course of your trip. If your lazy day by the pool at a Mexican resort includes a trip up the elevator to another guest’s room, let your partner know where you’re going and when you’ll be back. Abandoning him by an empty chaise lounge isn’t a good look for either of you.

After your rendezvous, share the headline and more, if that’s what you’ve agreed to — or withhold if you’ve both determined that’s hot. It’s all about playing by the rules you set together and making your partner number one.

9. The aftermath

You’re back at home, the plants are still alive, and you have one day to decompress before you’re back on Zoom for endless meetings.

After you’re unpacked, order in, cozy up on the couch together, and break your open vacation relationship down. “Was it good for you?” you’ll ask.

With luck and your devotion, it was, and you can start planning next year’s getaway, with or without benefits.

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