My FWB is into me “losing control” …of my bladder. How do I tell him that’s too weird for me?

Hi Jake,

I consider myself a pretty open person, but my new FWB recently asked me to do something I never thought would end up in a sentence I would write. He wanted me to “hold my pee for three hours before we hook up.”

He said it makes things “more intense” when I’m squirming and trying not to go, and that the idea of me finally losing control—actually wetting myself, right as things heat up—really turns him on.

At first I thought he was joking, but nope, he was serious. He even texted me a little “countdown” before our last date—basically checking in to remind me how much longer I had to hold it before I was “allowed” to go. Apparently, the whole build-up is part of what excites him—like edging or control play.

How about we take this to the next level?

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I’m not trying to kink-shame him, and part of me is curious how common this kind of thing is. But honestly, it made me uncomfortable. It felt less sexy and more like something I was being made to do, not something I chose. I’ve never been into anything like that and don’t want to fake it just to please him.

So how do I tell him this isn’t for me—without killing the mood or making him feel embarrassed? I consider myself a sexual person, but this one’s just too weird for me.

Holding Pattern

Dear Holding Pattern,

You’re right that this is a bit unusual—but it’s not unheard of. In fact, what your guy is describing is a known kink, and it even has a name. A fetish that centers on the physical and emotional tension of a full bladder is called omorashi (a Japanese term that literally means “to wet oneself”). It often involves arousal from either holding in urine, the desperation to go, or the act of finally losing control.

For some people, the arousal comes from watching someone else trying to hold it in—seeing them squirm, hearing the urgency in their voice, feeling that mix of control and release. For others, it’s self-focused: they get turned on by their own desperation, the feeling of “I shouldn’t, but I have to.” Sometimes it edges into dominance and submission; sometimes it’s more about vulnerability and intimacy.

Like most kinks, omorashi lives on a spectrum—from the soft-core (just the “holding”) to the literal wetting. It also overlaps with adjacent fetishes, like edging, humiliation, and power exchange. And while it’s not exactly mainstream, it’s not rare either. If you wander through certain corners of Reddit or fetish forums, you’ll find thriving communities around it. The psychology behind it is complex—control, bodily taboo, the tension between permission and restraint—but at its heart, it’s just another example of how human sexuality finds creativity in unlikely places.

So, no, you’re not dating the only person on earth who finds this hot. But that doesn’t mean you have to sign up for it. Curiosity and openness are about understanding, not obligation. You can be sex-positive and still know where your no lives.

The trick is how you communicate that. Think of it less as shutting him down and more as drawing a clear, kind boundary. You might say something like, “I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me what you’re into—that takes guts. But that one doesn’t really do it for me. I like exploring new things, just not that particular one.”

This response does three things at once: it validates his courage, signals that you’re not judging him, and still keeps your boundary firm. If you want to soften the landing further, you can pivot to what does excite you. You might say, “What does turn me on is when we slow things down / build anticipation / talk about what we want in advance.”

The goal isn’t to make him feel embarrassed—it’s to make him feel safe enough to hear “no.” Most people with niche kinks have been shamed for them before; hearing a calm, non-reactive response can actually be healing.

Being open-minded doesn’t mean being available for every experiment. It means approaching difference with curiosity, not compliance. You don’t owe your body—or your bladder—to anyone’s fantasy. If he can respect that, great. If not, that’s your answer too.

And for the record? Knowing when to hold it—and when to let go—isn’t just good bladder control. It’s good relationship advice.

Ask Jake is Queerty’s advice column by editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. Got a question? Email jakemyers@queerty.com—or connect more deeply through his LGBTQ+ therapy platform. Check us out on insta!

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