My super hot friend gets treated better than me. Is “pretty privilege” a thing in the gay community?

Hi Jake,

I have a friend who is the epitome of gay male beauty standards–tall, fit, great smile, and he looks good in almost anything he wears. He’s basically a 10 out of 10 on a hotness scale, but we’ve been friends for so long that I don’t really see him that way anymore. Clearly, I’m the exception, however, because there’s this certain energy that seems to follow him everywhere.

At first, I thought I was imagining it, but over time it has become clear that when we go out to the gay bars and other spaces, he gets more attention and better treatment than me and my other friends. Sometimes he even gets discounts and/or free stuff, especially drinks from bartenders. I’ve also seen him get his chai latte “on the house” at our local coffee shop because the barista thought he was cute. I’ve even seen him get upgraded to business class on a plane after he smiled at the gate agent.

How about we take this to the next level?

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It just seems like everyone is nicer and friendlier to him, even though I wouldn’t say his personality is any more magnanimous than the rest of ours. He can actually be kind of boring sometimes. I never really thought it was a real thing, but is there really such a thing as “pretty privilege” in the gay community?

Second Fiddle

Dear Second Fiddle,

When Thomas Jefferson penned, “all men are created equal,” he clearly did not consider the gays jockeying for another vodka soda at the bar or an upgrade on a seat assignment, which are clearly not treated as such.

Since the dawn of time, humans have been categorizing other humans based on things like gender, skin color, socio-economic status, and sexual orientation.

Society has placed value on these attributes somewhat arbitrarily, and although we can try to be aware of it, privilege is a deeply rooted sociological phenomenon that is not disappearing any time soon, I’m afraid.

“Pretty privilege” is a term that’s been circulating in our community for a while, because unfortunately, it does exist. People who are considered “average looking” tend to get overlooked, especially in more superficial settings like bars.

Even within marginalized groups like the queer community, there is often still a caste system, and for gay men, one of the ways we assess our “currency” is through physical appearance and attractiveness.

If your friend is viewed in the culture as “higher-up” in value because of his appearance, then people are just going to gravitate towards him and treat him with more reverence.

When you’re around a super hot guy, there can be an excitement. That arousal is literally chemical. Feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and norephinephrine get released into the brain’s reward pathway, making a person feel giddy, energetic, and euphoric. It’s no wonder they get all goo-goo eyed around your friend. His very presence is altering their brain chemistry! Add to that the superficial value we place on beauty in pop culture and social media, and that magnetism becomes all the more powerful.

That said, despite what our culture says about having a six-pack and the perfect smile, it’s important to remember that there are many other forms of currency that are just as, if not more, valuable. Traits like being of service to others, having integrity, being a good friend, and finding a way to be productive in the world are actually more sustaining for self-worth than looks, which ultimately fade.

Let’s hope that your friend has enough self-awareness to not let his “pretty privilege” get to his head, and ultimately become an a-hole. If he does, it might be your job as his buddy to check him. Sure, this may be his time in the sun, but eventually, he’ll need to know how to relate to people in a real way.

Even eye-candy has an expiration date.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email jakemyers@queerty.com for consideration.