“Temu Ivanka”: Lara Tr*mp’s Chinese rebrand isn’t going well for anyone, least of all America
Lara Tr*mp is the political version of fast fashion.
Mark
D*nald Tr*mp visited China this week as the petulant president of an empire that’s in decline. But the biggest tell of America’s fall isn’t our crumbling infrastructure or even the chaos we’re unleashing across the world.
With his approval rating in the toilet, 79-year-old Tr*mp didn’t make the most important international trip of his presidency with his wife Melania, or even his favorite daughter Ivanka. Instead, when Air Force One touched down in Beijing, it was Lara Tr*mp who ascended from the plane’s cabin.
That’s right: Lara Tr*mp. Not Tiffany. Not Don Jr. Not even Barron. The president is so desperate for company, he had to beckon the wife of his middle dunderhead son for the all-important summit.
We hear they’re calling her “Temu Ivanka”… not to be confused with the actual Temu dress that Pete Hegseth’s wife wore at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner!
Politics, but make it gay!
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When it comes to dealing with China, Tr*mp is used to being humiliated. Early in his term, he threatened to hit China hard and impose crippling tariffs on the world’s second-largest economy. But since then, he’s largely receded.
That’s because China showed it possesses the upper hand. When Tr*mp announced sweeping tariffs on Chinese imports on “Liberation Day,” they responded by cutting off the supply of rare earth minerals that American companies use to produce essential products ranging from cars to smart phones to weaponry. China accounts for about 70% of the global supply of rare earths.
Bereft of leverage, Tr*mp has told his advisors to push for a truce, reports the New York Times. The unauthorized war in Iran has only further weakened his standing. The conflict, which has cratered the global energy market and exposed major weaknesses in the U.S. military, has allowed China to assert itself as a stable superpower.
Since the war started, China has sold weapons to Persian Gulf allies under Iranian bombardment and assisted countries struggling to meet their energy needs. The war has also drained the U.S. of critical weapons that would be critical in the event of a standoff with China over Taiwan (the Chinese have long contested the democratic island’s independence).
When Tr*mp was asked about Taiwan in a joint presser with Chinese president Xi Jinping, he slinked away. The most bombastic man in history suddenly had nothing to say.
As Tr*mp’s silence indicates, China has the U.S. in a bind. But that hasn’t stopped Lara from enjoying her time. It’s not every day that a mediocre gal finds herself present at the most important negotiations in the world.
After failed stints as a SeRiOuS nEwScAsTeR, country music artist and athleisure designer, Lara Tr*mp briefly tried her manicured hands at politics. But she didn’t last at the RNC and aborted multiple U.S. Senate runs before they even started.
Much like Ivanka, Lara is constantly in the middle of a rebrand. Being the “Temu version” of her sister-in-law is only her latest moniker.
Yes, even when it comes to impersonating Tr*mp women, Lara falls short. Years ago, Casey DeSantis took the crown of “Walmart Melania.” That leaves “Temu Ivanka” for the taking. When it comes to international relations, Lara is the entourage equivalent of fashion fashion.
While she’s in China, maybe she can at least check out some popular Temu vendors. It would be as important as anything else she’s doing over there!
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