I cared for dying gay men during the AIDS crisis. Now, younger queers treat me like I’m invisible.

Hi Jake,

I’m a 75-year-old lesbian and have never written to an advice column before. But last week, something happened that I’m struggling to wrap my head around.

I went to my Pride planning committee meeting and had a really awful experience with a younger man who disagreed with me about something. The man was probably in his late 20s or early 30s. As we were talking, he rolling his eyes and butting in to call me “out of touch” and “silly” in front of the entire room.

I tried to defend my points, but he kept talking over me like nothing I had to say mattered. The whole thing felt incredibly dismissive, made even more painful by the fact that nobody else stepped in or stood up for me. It felt like they all agreed with him.

I was honestly upset for a day or two afterwards. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I still can’t shake the feeling that he saw me as some old relic with gray hair and outdated ideas instead of an equal and valuable member of the committee.

How about we take this to the next level?

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This young man has no idea that I spent much of the 1980s helping take care of dying young much like him when much of the world ignored them. I sat beside hospital beds, brought groceries to friends in need, marched in the streets, went to funerals, and watched an entire generation–my generation–disappear.

Back then, I showed up because people needed help, and because that’s what being a queer community meant. It was unsettling to feel dismissed by someone benefiting from freedoms people my age fought so hard for him to have.

Am I wrong for still feeling hurt by this? And should I have said something in the moment?

Still Here, Still Queer

Hi Still Here, Still Queer,

First off, I want to thank you. The lesbians who showed up during the AIDS crisis carried this community through some incredibly dark years. While much of the world abandoned gay men in their time of need, many people like you stepped in to fight for them and refused to look away. A lot of gay men have never forgotten that.

So, no, your feelings are completely valid. Hurt feelings exist to tell us something important about what matters to us, including when someone crosses a line or makes us feel invisible. This was more than just a “disagreement” for you. It touched something much deeper around feeling dismissed and undervalued when, honestly, you’ve earned respect.

Many young queer people inherited a world that feels far safer and more accepting than it did decades ago, without fully realizing how hard the people before them fought to make that possible. And to be fair, that’s not unique to queer culture. Every generation tends to normalize the sacrifices that came before them once things start feeling like “just the way things are.”

But this wasn’t all that long ago. Many of the people who marched for equality and cared for the sick are still sitting right here among us…including you.

At the same time, real-life interactions are messy. We don’t fully know what was happening for this guy in that moment. Maybe he was reactive, stressed, or triggered by the disagreement itself. Not every tense interaction between younger and older queer people is automatically ageism. But even if he didn’t consciously mean it that way, the interaction still carried a level of dismissal and disrespect that understandably hurt.

As for how to handle something like this, I don’t think there’s one perfect answer. Part of me fantasizes about you calmly placing a queer history book on the table and saying, “Sweetheart, before you roll your eyes at me again, you may want to learn who helped fight for your right to be here.” A tiny part of me would enjoy that immensely.

But real life is trickier than our imaginary mic-drop moments. People rarely absorb anything when they feel publicly corrected or shamed. They usually just get defensive and double down.

This may be one of those situations where you let it go while still acknowledging why it hurt. What you’ve lived through makes you stronger than whatever some indignant young guy tries to project onto you. But I also think there can be power in speaking up calmly when someone crosses a line. Not to punish him, but simply to stand up for yourself. Sometimes all it takes is a quiet sentence like, “You may not know this, but gay women my age helped hold this community together during some very hard years. So I’d appreciate being spoken to with a little respect.”

And honestly, one day he’ll probably be your age too, frustrated at some future twink who thinks he invented being queer.

You are not a relic. You are part of the living history of this community. Even if some people fail to appreciate that, many of us absolutely do. And I’m glad you’re still here.

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