The Eagles are getting spanked for taking the controversial Tush Push way too far
The NFL's famed Tush Push needs an enema.
Mark
The Tush Push needs an enema.
On Thursday night, the Philadelphia Eagles ran the most reviled play in football – the touchy-feely Tush Push – to pick up an early lead against the rival New York Giants.
Faced with a 3rd down near the Giants’ goal line, the Eagles’ beefy offensive linemen swarmed quarterback Jalen Hurts, and tried to propel him into the end zone by surging forward and shoving his rear. 
It’s a play that’s worked to remarkable success: the Eagles pulled off a successful Tush Push to open last season’s Super Bowl.
How about we take this to the next level?
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But last night, their first attempt went limp. Neither Hurts nor his tush advanced past the 3-yard line. “That was a long way to go for the tush push,” offered color analyst Kirk Herbstreit.
The Eagles, however, did not give up the booty.
Lining up for 4th down, they penetrated the line of scrimmage again. “They’ve turned it into an art form… even though it’s hardly artistry,” said legendary play-by-play man Al Michaels.
While Hurts picked up the first down, the Eagles failed to score, falling short of football climax.
The crowd audibly groaned when replay showed an Eagles offensive lineman peaked too early and jumped the line of scrimmage before feeling the full force of hands on his backside, getting away with a false start.
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After a fitful offseason–the Green Bay Packers tried to ban the controversial cheeky play and fell two votes short–the Tush Push was primed to return as a conquering hero.
It even secured a sponsorship from Dude Wipes!
Instead, the Tush Push’s momentum has stalled. Its proprietor, the Eagles, are a big reason why. Despite a 4-2 record, they play boring football and struggle to score points. Bereft of vigor, they’ve resorted to clogging up the works.
The Tush Push embodies the blockage. On Thursday, the Eagles ran four straight Tush Pushes before finally scoring. “Crowd hates. Eagles love it. Touchdown,” added Michaels.
Indeed, the animus was palpable. Nobody was more upset than head Barstool bro David Portnoy. “This is why tush push needs to be banned,” he posted. “Football is supposed to be entertainment. This ruins the game.”
Across the country, the Eagles were getting spanked…
This is not football!
— Micah Parsons (@MicahhParsons11) October 10, 2025
As much as we enjoy mocking outraged straight guys, we must concede: the “Tush Push” haters are right. The play is stale, repetitive and probably illegal. Players can’t push somebody forward under other circumstances.
Why is the Tush Push special?
The answer, of course, is Jalen Hurts’ glorious glutes. The QB can squat more than 500 pounds and bench press 275!
In other words, he’s A grade meat.
Lesbian Nation picks its favorites well…
But if Hurts wants to continue being gay-coded, the Tush Push must evolve. His rump has multiple uses–trust us!
We’re even willing to demonstrate.. for the sake of the team, of course.
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