Ummm, my wedding date ditched me to sleep with the groom’s cousin. Should I be mad?

Hi Jake,

A few months ago, I started seeing a guy. Not a boyfriend — but not just a hookup either. We text daily, crash at each other’s places, and he’s met some of my friends. We haven’t defined it, but there’s chemistry, connection, and what felt like momentum.

So when I got invited to a good friend’s wedding, it felt natural to bring him as my plus-one. I figured it’d be a fun night — good food, open bar, maybe a little dance floor flirtation. Instead… he vanished halfway through the reception.

At first I thought he was just outside getting some air or stuck talking to someone’s drunk aunt. Hours went by. Eventually, the bride — of all people — told me he’d gone home with the groom’s cousin.

How about we take this to the next level?

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No heads-up. No goodbye. Just a 1:07 a.m. text that said, “Crashing here tonight, see you tomorrow!” And then, the next day: “Had fun last night, thanks for bringing me!” Like he hadn’t just left me completely high and dry the whole night.

Technically, we never had the exclusivity talk. But he was my guest. People assumed we were together. I spent the rest of the night awkwardly explaining that my date had… wandered off.

I keep telling myself I can’t be mad — we’re not official — but I still feel used and blindsided. Was it naïve to think bringing him to a wedding meant something? Or do I have a right to be pissed?

Plus-One and Done

Dear Plus-One and Done,

We’ve all heard of being jilted at the altar — but ghosted at the reception? That’s a whole new tier of humiliation. And sure, one of the joys of queer dating culture is that we can be sex-positive without clutching our pearls over a casual hookup. But when someone’s pursuit of a good time steamrolls right over another person’s feelings, boundaries, or basic respect, it stops being liberating and starts being selfish.

It sounds like you’re not sure whether to trust your own reaction here — like you need some kind of official ruling on whether you’re “allowed” to be upset. But you don’t need anyone’s permission to feel what you feel. Emotions show up for a reason — often to tell us something — and your gut’s pretty clear: your date crossed the line on what you consider basic respect.

And it’s not just about the hookup. It’s about being abandoned by the person you brought as your guest, left to awkwardly explain his absence to other people while he was off keeping himself… otherwise occupied. That’s not “we’re casually dating” behavior — that’s “your feelings aren’t on my radar” behavior.

The exclusivity question isn’t really the issue here. You didn’t need to be “official” for him to know that ditching you mid-event — without even a goodbye — is lousy manners. It’s a violation of the unspoken social contract that comes with being someone’s plus-one: you stick with them, or at least check in before disappearing into the night.

You asked if it was naïve to think bringing him to a wedding meant something. The truth is, weddings mean different things to different people. For some, they’re a romantic milestone; for others, they’re just a party with a better dress code. That’s why conversations about expectations matter — even in casual setups — because mismatched assumptions can lead to exactly the kind of night you had.

If you want to keep seeing him, you’d be right to bring this up — not as a jealous ownership thing, but as a boundaries-and-respect thing. You can say, “Hey, we’re not exclusive, but if I invite you as my guest somewhere, I expect you not to ditch me mid-event.” If that feels like too much for him, that’s all the clarity you need about what this is — and isn’t.

You can explain to him that it isn’t so much about hooking up, but about leaving you alone for the night. Did he not wonder what you were doing, and who you were spending time with? And if not, doesn’t that say something about his concern for his “friends”?

Bottom line: you’re not overreacting. The kind of connection you want — even if it’s casual — still requires basic consideration. If he can’t give you that, there’s someone else who will not only appreciate the invite, but share the slow dances, choke down the bad cake, and laugh through the awkward bouquet toss — instead of disappearing into another guy’s happily-ever-after.

Ask Jake is Queerty’s advice column by editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. Got a question? Email jakemyers@queerty.com—or connect more deeply through his LGBTQ+ therapy platform.

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