Everyone thinks I’m a bottom. How do I convince them otherwise?
Happy fem top fall!
Mark
Hi Jake,
For those who celebrate, I’d like to wish you and all your readers a Happy Fem Top Fall!
That’s right. The leaves are changing colors, and you know what that means… it’s our time to shine and embrace who we are. We may look like bottoms to you, but surprise! We’re actually tops. We’re not lying. We’re not in denial. We just happen to be a little more fem, and we like being on top. So what?!
But in all seriousness, seeing this Instagram post celebrating our season got me thinking about something that’s been bothering me.
How about we take this to the next level?
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I guess I’m a pretty feminine gay guy, and I’m constantly dealing with guys who assume I’m a bottom. On Grindr, guys will flat-out tell me I must be lying about being a top. And at bars, it’s the same thing. It’s probably something about the way I talk, move and carry myself, but apparently that means I couldn’t possibly want to top another dude.
I used to laugh it off, but lately I’m getting annoyed by it. Why should I have to convince people that I know what I like in bed? Even when I flat-out say what I like, I get the sense they’re just laughing or rolling their eyes and thinking I’m a secret bottom in denial.
It’s gotten to the point where I’ve actually wondered if I should tone down my personality when meeting new guys. Like maybe if I act more masc, they will finally take me seriously. I hate that I’m even considering that.
So how do I get other guys to believe me? Is there a way to stop them from assuming things about me without changing who I am?
Top Secret
Dear Top Secret,
Happy Fem Top Fall to you, too! I love that you’re embracing who you are and celebrating all the other femme tops out there.
One of the great things about being gay is that we don’t have to follow everyone else’s rules and expectations about masculinity, femininity, and what we’re supposed to enjoy sexually. We get to figure out what feels right for us, without squeezing ourselves into someone else’s idea of how a man should look or behave.
And yet, as you’re discovering, gay men can be surprisingly attached to those same old rules.
Why? Because, like everyone else, we grow up in a world that loves to put people in boxes. Masculine men are supposed to be dominant. Feminine men are supposed to be submissive. And somehow those assumptions follow us right into the bedroom.
Some misogyny is wrapped up in that, too. Even within the gay community, femininity can still be treated as something lesser, as though being feminine somehow makes a man less capable of taking charge sexually. (I write more about gay identity, sex, and relationships in my Ask Jake newsletter.)
But here’s the thing: You already know what you like sexually. Why should you have to prove that to anyone?
My advice? Own it. Own your femininity, own your sexuality, and own your fem top power. The more comfortable you are with those parts of yourself, the less you’ll feel the need to explain them to anyone. And there’s something powerful about that kind of confidence. People tend to pick up on it.
But that doesn’t mean everyone will get it, and that’s okay.
You can tell someone what you like, but you don’t need to argue about it. If a guy on Grindr doesn’t believe you’re a top, correct him once. If he keeps insisting otherwise, why waste your time trying to convince him?
And please don’t start changing how you act or dialing down your personality just to fit yourself neatly into someone else’s box. Sure, you might get a few more guys to believe you, but you’d be doing it by hiding a part of yourself you genuinely enjoy.
Besides, do you really want to hook up with someone who’s already decided what you’ll be like in bed, no matter what you tell him? That doesn’t sound particularly hot.
Plenty of guys out there will appreciate you exactly as you are, femininity and all. Save your energy for them.
So enjoy your pumpkin spice, your chunky sweaters, and your femme top power. You know who you are. Let everyone else catch up.
Want more advice about navigating gay life, relationships, and everything in between? Get Ask Jake delivered straight to your inbox each week, plus bonus content, deeper dives, and the chance to have your own question answered. Subscribe for free at askjaketherapy.com (select the free option when prompted).
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