I really liked my date… until he told me what he does for a living. Should I run?

Hi Jake,

I recently went on a date with a guy I met on an app, and it actually went really well. We had a lot in common, there was definitely a spark, and I found him really attractive. Everything was going great until we got around to talking about what we do for work.

He’s a cop.

The second he told me, I could literally feel my body tense up. I have a LOT of baggage when it comes to the police. I had a rough home life growing up and acted out a lot when I was younger. I got arrested a few times, and some of those experiences were honestly pretty traumatizing. I felt bullied and humiliated by the police, and I definitely felt like being gay in the very conservative town where I grew up made me an easier target.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Then during the George Floyd protests in 2020 I was hit by one of those less-lethal projectiles while protesting. That experience brought a lot of those old feelings right back up and made my distrust of the police even worse. I even got involved with a local group pushing for police reform and defunding.

So now I’m wondering: Is this just an automatic deal-breaker for me? Everything about this guy clicked until I found out what he does for a living, but his job seriously triggers something in me. I don’t know if I can separate who he is from everything the uniform represents to me.

Should I give him another chance to see if I can get past it, or am I better off ending this now?

Cop Out

Dear Cop Out,

A man in uniform can stir up all kinds of feelings, and clearly yours aren’t the stuff fantasies are made of.

Given your history, it makes sense that finding out he’s a police officer would put you on high alert. You’ve had some genuinely bad experiences with the police, so I can understand why you’d be skeptical of someone who chooses to be part of that system. When we’ve had painful experiences with certain people, our brains are very good at filing away those associations and pulling them back out when something reminds us of them. It’s one way we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again.

But sometimes that means we end up expecting someone to act the same way others have before. As I’ve explored in my Ask Jake newsletter, we can get caught in the past without even realizing it instead of seeing what’s happening right now.

Here’s the thing: as soon as you hear the word “cop,” all those negative associations you’ve developed over the years probably come flooding back: abuses of authority, power trips, people being treated as less than human, and yes, maybe even outright homophobia.

But that doesn’t mean that’s who this guy is. I mean, he is a gay cop, after all. That certainly doesn’t guarantee anything, but it does mean his own relationship with law enforcement may be more complicated than you’re assuming. And of course, not every cop is the same.

The question is whether your feelings about this run too deep for you to get past, or whether new experiences might soften those associations.

Just as past experiences can teach us that something isn’t safe, new experiences can sometimes teach us that things aren’t always as black-and-white as we thought. Maybe getting to know this guy would help you develop new associations with law enforcement—ones that might also involve helping people, keeping them safe, or genuinely wanting to make a difference.

But you really don’t know yet, because you don’t know him yet.

So, it’s time to get curious. If you see him for a second date, you could tell him a little about your history with the police and see how he responds.

If he immediately gets defensive, dismisses your experiences, or tries to convince you that you’ve got it all wrong, that might tell you that this isn’t just about your baggage after all. On the other hand, he might completely understand why you feel the way you do. He may even have his own complicated feelings about his profession and admit some of its problems. Maybe he approaches the job differently.

Either way, you’ll have more information about who you’re actually dealing with, rather than making that decision based on the uniform alone.

If you liked him as much as you say you did, I don’t think I’d write him off just yet. For now, maybe let him off with a warning and see what happens.

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