I’m dating a much younger guy, but there’s just one problem… he still lives with his mom. Should I get out now?

Hi Jake,

I’m 43 and I’m dating someone who’s 23. I’ve never been with someone this much younger than me before, but we have a lot of fun together and a true connection. Even though there might be an occasional reference one of us mentions that the other has no clue about (how has he never heard of Punky Brewster???), for the most part, we have so many similar interests and hobbies. Plus, we’re always making each other laugh!

There’s just one awkward component to the whole thing: his parents. He still lives at home and every time I go over there I feel really uncomfortable when his mom, who is only a few years older than me, answers the door. Don’t get me wrong, she’s super nice and we get along well (it helps that we could’ve been in high school together!), but it’s weird!

How about we take this to the next level?

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I want to explore the relationship and see where it goes, but he’s not in a position to live on his own, and we’re nowhere near ready to consider moving in together. Even if we just hang out at my place, or out on the town, I’ll still have to drop him home occasionally, and just knowing that he’s still beholden to his parents makes me wonder if our age difference is a bigger deal than I thought.

Should I get out now?

Cradle Robber

Dear Cradle Robber,

When picking up your Prince Charming for a date, you probably did want to envision having to charm the parentals first, before he can come out to play.

In-laws can be stressful, especially if you’re close in age with them. That said, the awkwardness that you’re feeling may have less to do with your boyfriend’s living situation itself, and more to do with the meaning you’re ascribing to it, which can throw things into question.

If a relationship is true and strong, you can overcome all sorts of hurdles, even an ever-present mother monitoring all comings-and-goings. When the chemistry is there, couples can surmount things like long-distance, kids from a previous marriages, differences in HIV status, and a multiple of other factors that are really more about logistics than anything else.

Sure, navigating an age difference can be difficult. You might have no clue about your boyfriend’s latest TikTok obsession, and he may never understand a world before cell phones. On the other hand, you both get to expose each other to new ideas, and share in things that are meaningful to you, which can only deepen your connection.

At the end of the day, if you’re feeling content in your relationship when it’s just the two of you, sans the parents, then maybe the age difference isn’t that big a deal.

It might be that you’re unconsciously imposing a judgment on your relationship about what it means that your boyfriend is “so young that he still lives at home”, which has you questioning if this will work.

After all, there’s a lot of societal pressure to shame age-discordant couples (athough that may be changing). Some view the older one as a “sugar daddy”, or assume the younger one simply has “daddy issues”, when that may not be the case. Others feel like the older one is somehow “taking advantage” of the younger beau, even though he’s a fully formed adult capable of making his own decisions.

Don’t let these things seep in and affect how you feel about your own situation. Instead, try to let go of any self-imposed judgments and enjoy the relationship for what it is. How it feels to you both is more important than what society says about the age gaps between partners.

There’s many reasons that younger people still live at home (have you seen the housing prices in this country?!?), and it doesn’t necessarily say anything about where they are in their maturity.

Talk to your boyfriend about the situation, and what his feelings are about it. You may find he’s just as eager as you are for him to fly the coop, and this is just a temporary situation.

In the meantime, maybe your unconventional relationship can have its perks. Having a mother-in-law that’s almost your age could be fun? At the very least, it’s someone to talk to about your favorite episodes of Punky Brewster.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email jakemyers@queerty.com for consideration.