Slutty Phillies clinch division and throw shirtless party that shows Bryce Harper’s chest hair

The sluttiest team in baseball is back. And this time, they’re looking to finish.

I am, of course, talking about the Philadelphia Phillies and winning the World Series.

On Monday night, the Phillies beat the Chicago Cubs and clinched the National League Eastern Division for the first time since 2011.

That meant it was time to do what they do best: getting wet and semi-naked in the locker room!

Get off the sidelines and into the game

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I get the feeling this is also how the Phils celebrate Flag Day.

Perhaps the best aspect of Philly’s victory parties is that whenever a team clinches something momentous, MLB issues the players commemorative T-shirts to wear during the subsequent celebration.

But when that happens in Philadelphia, 98% of the team just says, “Nah, we’re good…”

After all, why put on a shirt when you could just wear beer?

The best part about this pic is that the USA Today Photo caption identifies the player as “Phillies outfielder Cal Stevenson (47).” If you can identify Stevenson’s number based on this photo, you are an even bigger baseball nerd than me.

While breaking down the Phillies celebration from last year, I referenced Alec Bohm looking like he was auditioning for Troye Sivan’s “Rush” video. Based on a tweet from this year’s bacchanal, it’s reasonable to conclude that Bryce Harper did Troye’s choreo.

Something we also just learned: Harper’s chest hair is every bit as luxurious as the mane on his head.

As you might have guessed, the Phils throwing a clothing optional locker room party is basically sending up the Nick Castellanos Signal.

Come for Big Nick Energy rapping with teammate Brandon Marsh in a literal puddle of alcohol. Stay for Marsh falling to one knee for a shirtless hug at the end.

If that clip had gone on two seconds longer, it would’ve ended with an OnlyFans link.

As for this? Oh, nothing. Just two bare-chested men sharing a cigar.

Here I’ll refer you to what George Carlin said about cigars and just add “Seconded.”

And if you’ve followed the Phillies at all over the past couple years, you know there’s only one way to properly conclude their locker room celebration. Cue “Dancing On My Own.”

Perhaps the best thing I can say about the Phillies’ recent run of greatness is this: there’s nothing every Philadelphia sports fan wants more than to hear that gay anthem 11 times in October.

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