The Dodgers did not invent the ‘crotch bump.’ The Cubs did and they did it better.

Welcome back to Talkin’ Gaysball where I’m so glad that Cleveland waited until last night to finish the job after a dramatic game-tying postseason homer.

Earlier this week, my colleague Jim Buzinski feted Kiké Hernández and Gavin Lux of the Dodgers for celebrating an NLDS home run with an emphatic “crotch bump.” A Twitter fan subsequently termed it “The gayest baseball celebration I’ve ever seen in my life.”

As Your Friendly Neighborhood Baseball Gay, I’m here to inform you that while the Dodgers’ exposular regional batchical pouchular ritual was delightfully gay, it wasn’t original.

(“Dear god, is he really going to do a deep dive on the history of the baseball crotch bump?”)

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Consider this my Ken Burns audition.

Back in 2016…

(“Oh jeez, this is a CUBS THING, isn’t it?!”)

Mwa. Ha. Ha.

I humbly submit this clip of David Ross homering off of Cleveland’s Andrew Miller in Game 7 of the World Series, courtesy of the 24-7 loop in my head. Watch until the end…

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‘Crotch bump’ by Dodgers is gayest home run celebration in baseball
Check out how these two Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated a big home run.

That is not just one celebratory crotch bump. That is a parade of crotch bumps that Chicago usually sees only on a June Sunday on Halsted Street.

And it absolutely slays.

What’s more, Ross proudly claimed credit for the invention of the crotch bump in his memoir “Teammate.”

As he recalled it, during his time with the Braves in the early 2010s, Ross watched an ESPN report about Glenn Burke and Dusty Baker inventing the high five.

Yes, this story about crotch bumps somehow got even gayer.

“I thought to myself, the high five is taken, so what can I invent?” Ross wrote, “Suddenly an image flashed through my head — a painless, if slightly questionable, maneuver. Of all the physical gestures the human body is capable of making, why not the ‘cock bump?’ Well, why not?”

Why not indeed. Such a claim is impossible to prove. But at the very least, we can now dub Ross the Abner Doubleday of reproductive organ collisions.

But I’m sure one clip isn’t enough proof for you crotch bump skeptics. You want to see more?

(“I didn’t ask. And that’s not a thing.”)

Sure thing! Let’s watch Dexter Fowler’s leadoff Game 7 homer!

(“Oh for the love of…”)

It’s official. I am the only gay man in America who types “crotch bump” into my computer and immediately starts watching Cubs home run videos.

Remember: no kink shaming.

However, I do feel kind of bad about throwing those highlights in Cleveland fans’ faces. Especially only a day after an all timer of a moment in franchise history when Thirst Trap of the Week made good David Fry walked the Yankees off in the 10th inning of a Game 3 epic.

So this one’s for you, 216…

As a bonus, this clip taken a few blocks away from The Jake might be even more spellbinding.

And even though they actually attended Game 1, let’s pretend this was Taylor Swift and longtime Guardians fan Travis Kelce watching Fry’s legendary homer…

If that turns out to be the start of a dramatic ALCS comeback, I’m looking forward to hearing Cleveland Rocks (Taylor’s Version).

MLB Playoff Thirst Trap of the Week

Fry would be an excellent choice to win TTOTW a second time for his heroics. 

But I couldn’t miss the opportunity to spotlight Guardians shortstop Brayan Rocchio who is crushing it both at the plate and with a home run celebration that can only be described with the phrase: “Oh, that is adorable!”

This one is for all the gays who discovered their sexuality thanks to Little Mac from Punch Out.

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