6 things I learned watching that trashy Diana-shaming King Charles documentary 

As a stranger to all things Royal Family, I had no idea what to expect before watching the new Paramount+ documentary King Charles: The Boy Who Walked Alone. But I had an inkling that I wasn’t going to like what I saw. That inkling proved shockingly correct, since I think we can all agree that when it comes to public figures you just really want to root for, Charles is fairly low on the list.

Still, the Royal Family press machine is trying like hell to make the nation, and the world, excited about this man taking on the by now utterly meaningless title of King of England, so they rushed out a doc. But not just any documentary: it’s a 90-minute film in which the phrase “stiff upper lip” is uttered enough to constitute a drinking game. I watched the entire thing and gathered my takeaways. Brace yourself.

1. Young Charles was catnip to the ladies

Before Camilla Parker-Bowles, before Diana, young Charles was apparently—and I know this is hard to believe—quite the ladies’ man. One of the talking heads in the doc describes how women would “run up” to Charles and kiss him during an early Australian tour. Now just why anyone would want to do that to a man who possesses, to use one of my favorite British expressions, “a face like a slapped arse” is beyond me, but apparently the gals could not get enough of the young twinky Prince of Wales. One early girlfriend even describes a sexy evening at the cinema in Montreal, while Canadian mounties stood watch in front of the theater while the two watched Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther. Romantic!

2. Charles and Camilla may have engaged in public sex at a Polo Club dance

This one is a little weird: before Charles got engaged to Diana, there was a brief moment in 1980 when he was casually dating both Camilla and Diana. Things between Charles and Camilla apparently got hot and heavy on the dancefloor of a certain well-attended Polo Club, where Charles kissed and, in the words of one onlooker, had “a fond sort of cuddle as it were” in full view of everyone. It seems that Charles felt he was “among friends.” And yet, if “a fond sort of cuddle” means what I think it means, a line was most certainly crossed. Now knowing what we know about that incredibly horny 1989 transcript of a call between the two in which Charles confessed his longing to be transformed both into Camilla’s panties and a tampon so as to be able to get nearer to her, it’s clear that these two were absolutely not above being kinky like that. Straight people can be freaks too, okay?

3. The Royal Family referred to William and Harry’s childhood caretakers as “baby men”

…and Diana dated one of them, allegedly. The documentary makes much of the implied relationship between Diana and her chief “baby man” Barry Mannakee. Former royal protections officer Allen Peters goes so far as to subtly slut-shame Diana by saying she cheated first with Mannakee, despite the fact that almost everyone else interviewed believes that Charles’ affair with Camilla began before the marriage to Diana and continued, nearly unbroken, all the way through. One flyer even admits that Charles and Camilla were meeting overseas in the early days of the marriage, before the press had “cottoned on” to the affair.

4. William and Harry found Charles “boring” to be around

And they were absolutely correct. Even a solid 90-minute documentary about this man can’t really help with the fact that deep down, despite his harsh upbringing and “stiff upper lip,” Charles is simply a very boring and conventional figure. And his children understood that from a young age, preferring to spend time with their way more interesting mother. Writer Penny Junor chalks this up to Charles being a “workaholic,” but considering the amount of time he spent f*cking off to play polo, I’m not sure that term applies.

5. Both boys “begged” their father not to marry Camilla

After Princess Diana’s fatal car accident in 1997, Charles was free to marry the now-divorced Camilla. However, there was the public to be considered. William and Harry were especially opposed to the marriage, and they weren’t alone. Nobody wanted to see the people directly responsible for her marital misery coming together as if nothing had happened. It required an entire PR push to get the public used to the idea of Princess Camilla. But even that couldn’t do it: much like “fetch,” it was never going to happen, a fact illustrated by a 1997 headline shouting: “Angry shoppers throw buns at Camilla.”

6. Charles and Diana both knew the marriage was a mistake before they ever got hitched

According to the documentary, Diana had “no experience” with men until marrying Charles, and that both seemed to undergo a transformation after they tied the knot in 1981. He seemed to realize what a mistake he’d made by marrying someone while being totally emotionally unavailable, and she, according to the doc, “…became a different woman: she had a much darker side…she was jealous, she was enraged, she was in tears, he didn’t know what on Earth had happened.”

Well, what on Earth had happened was that Charles very probably kept his affair going with Camilla, and Diana’s emotional response to this—characterized as “madness” on her part—was made to seem like the problem, rather than Charles’ infidelity.

Here’s the takeaway: we can do a lot better than King Charles: The Boy Who Walked Alone. And in fact, several filmmakers have, indeed, already done better. There’s 2021’s Spencer, an art film about Diana’s lonely life under royal family rule, “The Crown” seasons 4, 5, and, soon, 6, and even that 2013 movie where she’s played by our true queen mother, Naomi Watts. So if you want the real tea, maybe give this doc a miss—either that, or take it with a large grain of salt. And, of course, a “stiff upper lip.”