My gay boss is way harder on me than my straight co-workers. What gives?

Hi Jake,

I don’t know what to do about my work situation. A few weeks ago, another gay guy in the office got promoted and is now heading up my department. At first, I was excited. Who wouldn’t want power gays running the show? But I quickly realized he was not the person I wanted as a boss.

Almost immediately, he started treating me much more harshly than everyone else. He picks apart my work even after I’ve busted my ass to meet deadlines. He shoots down my ideas in meetings, makes me redo proposals, regularly denies my PTO because we’re supposedly in a “busy period,” and criticizes the way I talk to clients.

Normally, I’d just assume I have a demanding boss. But I’ve noticed he doesn’t treat my straight coworkers this way. They’re given more slack, more encouragement, and a lot more trust than I am.

How about we take this to the next level?

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I can’t help wondering if maybe he’s being harder on me because he knows I’m also gay. Could this be some weird gay-on-gay psychological thing? Maybe seeing another gay man reminds him of something he doesn’t like about himself, or maybe it’s some kind of internalized homophobia. I honestly have no idea.

My Own Worst Ally

Dear My Own Worst Ally,

Office politics can be rough no matter what, but when it feels like you’re being treated unfairly by someone you thought would understand you better, it’s even harder.

Having your work picked apart, your ideas dismissed, and your requests denied over and over is both frustrating and exhausting. It’s one thing to have a demanding boss. It’s another to feel like you’re the only one being held to that standard. I get why you’d start searching for an explanation.

Although we can’t know for sure what’s going on here, I do think the kind of dynamic you’re describing can occur. There are certainly situations where someone seems especially critical of a person who reminds them of themselves. For some people, growing up gay can create an unspoken belief that they have to work harder, perform better, and make fewer mistakes just to earn the same respect as everyone else. Those messages can linger for years, becoming so deeply ingrained that people begin holding themselves to impossibly high standards. Without realizing it, they start holding other gay people to those same standards as well.

That isn’t true of every gay person, of course, and it may not be what’s driving your boss’s behavior. But it is one reason someone can end up being hardest on the very people you’d expect them to identify with most.

Here’s the unfortunate part: Even if this is what’s happening, you can’t prove it—and trying to convince your boss that he’s acting out of his own insecurities or unresolved issues probably won’t end well. Instead, I’d shift your focus from why he’s treating you this way to how he’s treating you.

I’d pay attention to what feels off between the two of you and try to address it with him. See if he can give you specific feedback about what he’d like you to do differently or explain exactly how you can improve. Are there concrete things you can do better, or does he seem to be looking for any little thing to say you’re messing up? Then I’d pay attention to whether he’s expecting the same things from everyone else and make note of that. If, after a while, it feels like nothing is changing and he’s still being just as harsh, document those instances and consider taking the issue to HR or a higher-up.

At the end of the day, you don’t need to know why someone is treating you unfairly before deciding that the behavior isn’t okay.

One final thought: Sometimes we assume that sharing an identity automatically means someone will feel protective, supportive, or understanding. Often, that’s true. But being gay doesn’t automatically make someone your ally any more than being straight automatically makes someone your adversary. People are still people, complete with their own insecurities, blind spots, biases, and management styles.

I do hope your theory is wrong. Not because I want to pretend internalized homophobia isn’t real, but because if this is simply one difficult boss, you have far more control over what happens next. Spend your energy figuring out how to work with him, not trying to figure him out. Leave that part to the professionals.

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