Mysteriously missing Mitch McConnell is still not beating the undead allegations

There’s a new Republican trend afoot, and it’s called: going missing for a random period of time and hoping no one notices!

Unfortunately for legacy anti-LGBTQ+ Senator Mitch McConnell, he’s far too notable a figure for his mid-June absence to go totally undetected. On June 17th, paramedics rushed to respond to reports of a cardiac arrest event at 84-year-old McConnell’s home. That was two weeks ago, and nobody has seen the former Senate Majority Leader since.

It’s not just a case of wishful thinking: the little we do know about McConnell’s situation is that it’s definitely serious, despite claims from spokespeople that McConnell is recieving the best of care and will shortly be back on his feet.

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At 84, however, the diagnosis is not looking great for the thrussy-sporting Senator, especially after fresh (though unverified) details about paramedics finding McConnell in an unconscious state started circulating.

To make matters even more puzzling, famously missing Republican congressman Thomas Kean Jr. has finally reemerged after a period of months, citing a bout of serious clinical depression as the reason for his long absence. While depression is no laughing matter, the fact that Kean Jr. managed to trade stocks, win his primary, and vote on critical matters during this mysterious absence is already raising a few eyebrows.

Now that Kean Jr. is back in action, everyone’s wondering: what’s McConnell’s excuse? Is the famously homophobic Senator finally going to surrender to health concerns and clear the way for a new appointment? Has he already passed away, and is the obfuscation around the exact nature of his illness just a Republican stalling tactic?

We don’t know, but it all looks pretty darn shady for a GOP comically desperate to hang on to their tiny majority before the midterms. Earlier this year, things looked bad for Mike Johnson when 72-year-old Florida congressman Neal Dunn also appeared to be bowing out of his term early due to health concerns. Johnson begged him to stay until the end of his term.

Whether or not McConnell is still technically with us, this marks the second time the elderly Senator has been hospitalized this year, following a week-long stay for flu symptoms in February. If McConnell were to free up that seat, it could mean big things for the Democratic party in Kentucky, where liberal pro-LGBTQ+ governor Andy Beshear has been doubling down on his progressive commitments to queer constituents.

Should McConnell leave this earthly plane before the midterms, a special election would have to be held, and while it wouldn’t guarantee a Democratic win, it would definitely give the GOP a run for its money.

However, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. While McConnell is of advanced age, he’s had health scares like this before and been fine, so for all we know he’s still standing. Earlier this week, NPR made the mistake of letting their own wishful thinking get ahead of them after wrongly announcing Samuel Alito’s departure from the Supreme Court. That’s probably not happening, and until we get clear confirmation of McConnell’s health status, we don’t really know anything.

What we do know is that Republicans do love to play fast and loose with their health despite dropping like flies this year. Consider the freshly 80-year-old Tr*mp’s recent announcement about speaking for “as long as he can” this July 4th, despite predictions of record-breaking, 107 degree heat. I mean… good luck with that!

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Tr*mp’s for-profit presidency has reportedly made him at least $2 billion (so far!)
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