Before Jesus came around, Christmas was just another wild gay sex fest in Ancient Rome

If you were to ask a heterosexual person who the owner of Christmas is, they would name either Mariah Carey, Hallmark, or themselves. But Christmas is also kind of an asexual holiday, isn’t it?

Allegedly, Mary never had sex; and there’s no record of Christ ever marrying, either. So, unless the three wise men were secretly bestowing gifts of herpes upon each other, then none of the main characters of the Nativity Scene were sexually active.

But what if the three wise men were boning? 

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the controversial stuff, let’s talk about how Christmas was once a massive, Godless queer blowout full of alcoholism and unchecked cunnilingus.

Cut to: Ancient Rome.

In those days, Christmas was just a twinkle in the eye of DL Christians, who were violently oppressed at the time. Rather, the name on everybody’s lips was “Saturnalia,” a Pagan festival that praised Saturn, the god of agriculture.

While Saturnalia emerged from a one-day affair, it eventually grew into a weeklong sexfest that ran from December 17 to December 23. It was also quite inclusive. Though mainly a party, it also honored the contributions of society’s working class and enslaved people. It literally gave them a bigger piece of the pie for a week.

Oh, and it was also quite heteroflexible.

While Romans could be a bit squeamish about same-sex relationships between grown men, they generally abandoned this discomfort for Saturnalia. Instead, this festival aimed to emulate the queertastic parties of ancient Greece, and featured, in the words of one historian, “boys running naked through the streets, women dressed as men, masters of the house waiting on slaves, and an overabundance of wine, cunnilingus, and fruitcake.” 

Sadly, as humanity closed out the 4th century, Saturnalia slowly receded into the past while It Boy Jesus Christ began to steal all the attention. Then, through a savvy combination of political maneuvering and appropriation of paganism, Christians transformed it into a completely new holiday, Christmas, that eventually dominated the zeitgeist. And lest Faith Hill suddenly enters the chat and screams, “Where are you, Saturnalia,” don’t worry. It’s here inside us: in evergreen wreaths, gift-giving, packed dinner tables, and candlelit altars. All of those started with a giant gay bender.

Oh, but speaking of Jesus Christ, he was probably gay, too. 

Relax, it’s not just me. Many people have been theorizing this since as early as the 16th century.

Exhibit A: Kit Marlowe, one-time rival of William Shakespeare, attracted undue criticism after proffering a “Jesus is gay” theory in Elizabethan England. He was also allegedly murdered for it.

Exhibit B: Just 40 years prior, the same fate befell Francesco Calcagno, who lost his head after accusing Jesus of having a daddy-twink relationship with his disciple John.

But Marlowe and Calcagno had a point, and the proof is in the painting. In many depictions of the Last Supper, the disciple John is seen next to Jesus, resting his head on the latter’s breast. Additionally, in the Bible, Jesus beseeches his mother to adopt John into his family, betraying a, well, special love for the disciple.

All of this, combined with the unusual fact that Jesus was an unmarried Hebrew rabbi, was enough evidence for Hugh Montefiore, a bishop of Birmingham, to support the Gay Jesus theory in 1967, drawing the consternation of his fellow Christians.

But all of this pales in comparison to the dramatic 1960 discovery of a “Secret Gospel of Mark,” a lost (and possibly apocryphal) Bible verse that purportedly recounted an adult sleepover that Jesus had with a young man one fateful night: 

“And after six days Jesus told him what to do, and in the evening the youth comes to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God.”

Ah yes, the “Mystery of the Kingdom of God.” My friend tried that in college and broke his finger.

Speaking of sex injuries, let’s not forget about the three wise men that I previously accused of bestowing herpes upon each other. While I’m unsure of the veracity of the herpes part, I’m almost positive that at least one of those guys was queer.

In her book Outing the Bible: Queer Folks, God, Jesus, and the Christian Scriptures, historian Nancy Wilson even theorized as much. 

According to Wilson, in addition to having the very West Hollywood names of Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar, the three wise men were also understood to be “eunuchs,” which was a contemporary term for “yassified queer man slay the house down boots.”

Also, hel-ur, they were all wearing fabulous robes and had gone on a shopping spree for exotic spices just before their Best Mary’s baby shower. Gay! Manila Luzon, Peppermint, and Alaska deserve a Ph.D in History.

So, how would you answer the question of “who owns Christmas” now? Would you still say it’s Mariah Carey? Or, considering the fact that the Nativity Scene is essentially the first-ever meeting of the Bethlehem Gay-Straight Alliance, would you change your answer? Would you say that queers own Christmas? Before you answer, just remember: Jesus is watching.

Related:

Guys list the gayest Christmas gifts they’ve ever given or received

A few of our favorite things.