Gay guys are coming to the realization we all have the same name and now some feel left out

Here’s the thing about gays: we all have the same name. OK, maybe not all of us. But a lot of us. And that’s OK, right? Right?!

Bon Appetit‘s creative director Adam Moussa sparked the latest round of this realization with a post Tuesday that contained a Census-approved list of the top male names of the 1990s.

“Top 20 gayest names,” he wrote.

If those names sound like everybody you’ve ever met playing a gay rec sport, you’re not alone! Every team must contain at least one “Michael,” “Joshua” and “Brandon”!

I’m at 15 and I’m so proud.— johnny. (@itsjohnny81s) August 30, 2023

love to be a gay ryan— Ryan J. Haddad (@RyanJHaddad) August 31, 2023

I’m one of one, I’m number one, I’m the only one.— michael (@kresnxk) August 30, 2023

As many pointed out, it’s not surprising the most popular names for guys are also the most popular names for gay guys because, well, we’re also guys! But there is one key difference between the gays and the straights.

We love our polysyllables! Polysyllabic names are a little softer, tender and refined. “Chris” is harsh sounding, while “Christopher” takes the edge off, and is also a little sing-songy (it’s the two syllables, saweetie).

When we published our baby naming guide back in 2009, it’s not a coincidence we selected many multi-syllable options, including “Joshua” and “Elliott.”

“Joshua is a gay name only when enjoyed in all its polysyllabic glory and like Michael, Matthew and Christopher—it can swing whatever way its bearer wants it to go,” we wrote at the time.

Exactly! We love a verse queen, err, name.

Adam this is literally a kickball team— Stayinyour Lane (@barrettlane) August 31, 2023

Of course, there are some glaring omissions to the list, beginning with “Alex.” We’re everywhere!

Unlike some other four-letter monikers, “Alex” still conveys an air of sensitivity. “Alex gays” are the best gays, at least according to this one!

But how about “Kyle?” There are lots of gays named “Kyle.” Or how about “Evan?” (“Alexander,” “Kyle” and “Evan” are Nos. 23, 24 and 63 on the list, by the way.)

No Evan or Ethan?!?— citizen of Floptropica (@EvBenjamin) August 30, 2023

this is kyle erasure— Devin Clark (@devin_clark) August 31, 2023

Also, like most spats on Gay Twitter, er, X it’s worth noting this discourse is almost entirely between millennials. Notice there isn’t a single mention of “Julian” or “Caleb.”

We can’t wait to see what future generations of gays offer up as names. No matter what they are, they’ll probably all be the same!